Thankful Thursdays ~ Post One

*Photo Credit: Chad Pelletier, edited by Angélique Dawn*

THREE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1) My Blog:

~ I am thankful for the opportunity to start fresh with real attainable goals for the new year! I feel very lucky and blessed to have such a forum to be creative and share my hopes and dreams.

2) My Persistence:

~ I am thankful that I was able to figure out the proper URL for my bloglovin feed which I've connected to the social icons in my sidebar. This techy stuff is a lot of work for me because I am learning as I go. But the more I persist, the better I understand the things that have challenged me.

3) My Car/New Tires:

~ I am thankful that I have a car because it allows me to travel when and how I please. I recently replaced the tires which were quite old. It is winter here in lower Ontario so, I am especially thankful that I have a safe and reliable vehicle to get me where I need to go.


I am thankful for plenty more! But with each Thankful Thursdays post I will share just three things I am thankful for with a brief explanation of why. These posts are intended to be short and sweet. However, occasionally I may write longer explanations if there is some seriously wonderful happenings in my life.

I hope these Thankful Thursdays posts help you pause and think about the things in life you're thankful for too. If things are getting you down taking a moment to be thankful can often be the simplest way to cheer yourself up. It's a good reminder that the universe is on your side. There is always some thing to be thankful for...

~ Namaste ~

OXO

Angélique

The Dating Game - Finding a Needle in a Haystack

Ready for the real thing?!

It seems that I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Actually, love has never found me in the places I happened to be. And, whenever I think about the real thing, it freaks me out! There's just so much anxiety in my gut that I can't handle it. The kind of relationship I want is, well, frankly old school. But I was raised to be self sufficient... Besides, where do women find men who want a housewife these days? And, whatever happened to the times when you could meet the love of your life at a friends house while playing cards?

I really wonder if I'm living in a dreamland. I want a nice guy who will love me enough to encourage me to work from home. I want his support and strength to guide and protect me. I'd like to believe that I'm a loving and attentive partner worth knowing. It's just... I'm very picky over who I spend my time with. So, whoever he is, he will certainly be a lucky guy. I mean, where do men find such affectionate and caring women like me?! :)

It's a complex situation. The battle between my heart and my ego. I'm terrified of commitment. But I'm always talking about settling down. It doesn't make sense, because I'm loyal to a fault, but when it comes to relationships, I've had few and far between.

When I was young, I was more the girl to have relations than relationships. And I didn't even know I was setting myself up for disaster by dating guys who had no future with me... So, there I was getting involved with crushes I met at bars and work or frat parties. I was too afraid to ask for anything serious, because I didn't want to seem desperate or clingy, so I was probably taken as a flake. After months of avoiding a real thing, when the truth came to light that I was merely "their" booty call, I'd end it! As if I didn't know. (I so hope my dad doesn't read this... lol)

I look in the mirror and remind myself that I'm a grown up now. I am lovable. I deserve to be happy and have all the things I want. I belong with my soul mate. My purpose is to create a thriving homestead. So, I'm planning my future while trying to envision a genuine, handsome man by my side. I don't think I want to get married, but I absolutely know I want kid(s) and a partner to grow old with. I'm closer to forty than thirty and I don't wanna miss my window... So, the pressure's starting to build lately. And, I can't figure out why the idea of sharing my life with someone else scares the daylight out of me... What is it that holds me back? Now, that's the million dollar question. ;)

I've put it out to the universe numerous times. But the universe knows I'm scared, so it's responding to my true intentions. I push away any chances. I don't clue in when my girlfriends try to play the wingman. Ya know, being single is actually kinda overwhelming sometimes. It's like I'm perpetually lining up to dive into the deep end. But I can't even climb up the ladder.

A few years ago I joined a dating site. I signed up for three of them actually. I'd read an article that suggested filling out multiple questionnaires for various sites because it was beneficial in helping you get to know yourself and to learn what you're looking for. When I finally broke down and paid for the services (at a discounted rate) I didn't find it any different than the people I'd met at bars & social circles. In fact, people are less inhibited on line, so my impression was that most people were just looking for a hook up.

I chatted with a handful of men through email. I even went off line with one guy and texted him for a month before we planned to meet, then I found out he was lying about who he was. He pulled a "Catfish" on me. I went on a few dates to meet other men, but it never felt right. I feel so foreign when I'm out with a potential mate. I don't know what is wrong with me. I may be irreversibly damaged... sometimes, I wonder.

The truth is I enjoy my independence! Okay, if I'm really honest with myself and my readers, the truth is, I'm still working through some difficult feelings in regards to relationships. I enjoy my independence because it's stable. I thrive at being independent because I've done it for so long. I crave independence because I have lots of hobbies that keep me busy, so I forget to feel lonely.

Yes, sometimes, at night I wish I had someone to hold me. But, then again, I'd have to deal with him in the morning too. lol, just kidding...

I think I'm still healing from my parents divorce (thirty years ago). And, I'm still learning from every stupid decision I made as a younger woman. Goodness gracious, I was a fool. But I have grown immensely. I have no regrets.

I suppose, right now, I just need to take my own advice and be in the moment. Live for today. I can't force anything. I can't ignore everything either. I can't change what I've done or what's happened to me. But, I am beginning to let go of all the crap that distorts my focus, so that my heart and mind are ready when I'm in the right place at the right time. <3

Thanks for listening,

OXO

Angélique

Mantra Mondays ~ Post One

Welcome to Mantra Mondays!

These are the phrases I use in order to calm my mind and comfort my soul. They can also heal an aching heart. Mantras are amazing at shortening the length of time it takes for bad feelings to pass.

The most important thing to know about mantras is that they can bring you into a place of meditation. They should only focus on positivity and progress. After all, we are what we think! Mantras are perfect for beginners who are learning to meditate because when you concentrate on a mantra, the white noise in your head fades away.

I find it very difficult to clear my mind and focus solely on my breath. My chest is always tight and my muscles are often tense. So I rarely give myself enough time or patience to get to that place of meditation where I'm no longer restless...

My mind never stops! It needs something to focus on or it will create a train of thought on it's own. If I think of a mantra, sometimes a new one on the spot, then repeat it over and over to myself, this process allows my mind to slow down and mimic the rhythm of my breath. Which in turn, allows me to breathe easier and my muscles even let go and relax a little. It's a good feeling!

For people like myself consciously thinking and repeating mantras is a manner of living in the moment and using that energy to harness your intentions for the bigger picture. When you turn your attention to a solidifying mantra you are igniting the law of attraction. Everything you put out to the universe comes back to you.

The particular mantra I've used for this post is one that I tell myself almost every day. I say it at night a lot so it's kind of a bed time prayer. It reduces my anxiety and fear. And it catches me when I fall into that place of nothingness during the late hours of the night when I feel estranged from the universe. Especially since it takes me a long time to fall asleep. It's a mantra that's short and sweet and easy to remember. It is a wonderful mantra for vanquishing the sense of despair.

Your posture or position doesn't really matter. But keep in mind that you are transitioning your breath into a tool of itself so you should try to sit up straight or stretch your body out so your diaphragm isn't restricted.

Your chest might feel tight and heavy at first, and that's okay. Try to breathe as deep as you can and hold it for a few seconds. Then exhale and say the phrase with your inner voice. Sense the vibrations of each word. Watch them linger in the air. Sink into the goodness with each syllable. Breathe in again, as deep as you can. Exhale and repeat the phrase another time. Continue repeating this cycle as long as you need to.

By the third/fourth round of breathing deeply, exhaling and repeating this mantra, I guarantee you will no longer feel worried or anxious... The bills, conflicts, health issues, work drama, laundry and household projects that nag you are no longer a concern. Your peace of mind is all that matters. Your breath will be less strained by this point so take the time to continue deep breathing exercises. In turn, the stress will lull away. Thoughtful intentions will bring you to a place of joy and happiness. Let yourself be a priority right now. So, go ahead, try it out.

"I am here. I am now. I am safe and sound. At this moment I am okay. Everything is going my way."

These are words that comfort me in my times of panic. When I feel worried about the future or anxious over the past, I breathe deeply and repeat this phrase to myself. It reminds me that at this moment I am okay. There is no good in fast forwarding to what may be or holding on to what is already done. When I think of this mantra I silence my ego and bring myself back to calm.

I am sending good vibes so that it can do the same for you.

~ Namaste ~

OXO

Angélque

Living With Depression From A First Perspective

I have to say I'm kinda jealous of today's generation. I wish all this mental health awareness was being shared and talked about when I was a teen. Twenty years ago -before it was normal, I was fighting  battles with depression every day. And I almost lost the war... I'm neither ashamed nor proud of my condition. But talking about it is necessary to bring the truth to light. It is not taboo and everyone is susceptible to mental illness.

Depression is not a state of perpetual sadness. It's being happy while at the same time questioning whether or not that happiness is genuine. It's feeling like you're on top of the world and then crashing into a pit of self-loathing. It's feeling love and kindness towards others, but not being able to actively show it.

My truth is that I live this every day. Depression is and always will be a part of me. By age seven I knew it. I just couldn't explain it. I was internally panicked at the thought of going to school in the morning. I couldn't make decisions for myself. I worried about others more than any kid should... And that was just the beginning.

I've been motivationally challenged and late for everything since I can remember. Waking up has always been the hardest thing for me to do. It takes a few hours of snoozing. Whilst I slip in and out of dreams thinking I'm awake the whole time. This being a result of Hyper-somnia. Then, the alarm goes off and my "groundhogs day" starts all over again. Because of this cycle I have chronic anxiety at the start of my day. The shift from dreams to reality is simply exhausting for me...

Between anxiety and the ever inadequate sleep I get, I feel week and incompetent most of the time. I wish to be more pro-active. But I can never determine how much sleep I will bank or how well I will feel when it's time to get going.

With depression and anxiety, the struggle starts internally and then is aggravated by the external environment. It interrupts my daily abilities. It rules my emotions. It ravages my routine. It leaves my inner clock unbalanced. And, ultimately, it manifests physically. In particular, depression triggers excessive pain and emotional flare up during my time of the month. No fair!

I am riddled with excuses as to "why I can't" almost every day. I avoid others. I avoid plans. I avoid commitment. I need to cope with my symptoms privately. Because I do not have a poker face. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Living with depression is like being in a relationship with a wall. Some days you're able to work around it. But most days are like ugh! Just leave me alone. Let me be! It's always there, in your way. Your altered ego making you compromise the things you truly want; lie to others about the amount of time you actually sleep; and, creating a wedge between you and your own Will Power!

The long and the short of it is that humans are not designed to thrive in such a fast paced society. We are disconnected from relationships while we waste our lives on social media. We push and push the younger generations to grow up too quickly. We rarely take the time to just sit and do nothing. It seems that our minds are trying to tell us there's a problem. Because more and more people are being diagnosed with mental illness. Our brains are not getting the right attention and nutrition, therefore we lose our emotions due to duress from imbalanced hormones. It's also related to the toxins in our environment and the strain on our physical health due to industry in this "dog-eat-dog" world.

I personally believe that the best answer to this epidemic is natural and available to us. We need to slow down and have a cup of tea, so to speak. Stop planning for the inevitable and learn to live in the moment. We need to fuel our bodies right, release stress positively and return to organic lifestyles. I hope that one day I have the opportunity to move out to the county and connect back with nature, my symptoms will seize to bring so much drama into my life and allow me to live a comfortably humble existence.

I know it will never go away. Most of us are predisposed to mental illness. But above all the stereotypical troubled minds in the world today, there's got to be a better way to live without perpetuating the cycle. And the answer just might be old wisdom.

Keep your chin up doll!

Angélique

A Call For Help ~ Suicide Awareness Week

It was brought to my attention that it's Suicide Awareness Week. I shared the link I saw in my Facebook feed along with telling my personal story on the topic. To my surprise the post was received with much appreciation. It got a bunch of likes and positive comments overnight. A few friends and family members thanked me for sharing and complimented the depth to my words. In turn, that gave me a desire to share my thoughts on the blog and elaborate. If only to inspire one person to choose life. 

So here it goes... When I was seventeen, I attempted susicide. However, I was blessed and surrounded by guardian angels, so the attempt was unsuccessful. Thank Goodness!

I can still remember the looks on my parents broken hearted faces. My dad was speechless and my mom was confused and tripping over her words. I totally threw them for a loop! I hurt their baby girl. And I'm truly sorry for that.

During my three week stay at the hospital many friends and family came to visit me. What they all said in common was that I scared them. And they begged me to never do that again. I am sorry for causing them such worry.

Nowadays, when I get overwhelmed I recall those concerns of others. And I remind myself... You're never really alone. Someone cares about you and depends on you to be in their life. Everything is okay.

Recently, it dawned on me that I almost missed out on the last nineteen years of my awesome existence. Its' been wonderful and challenging and messy- because life is. But l get to SHARE it with my amazing network of loved ones. And lean on them when I'm not strong enough to take it all on my own.

The real deal here on earth is that our lives, no matter how isolated or selfish we may feel, are not only ours. We belong to our community... You have so many fans it's ridiculous that you could even fathom a world without YOU! Seriously. So many people count on you just to be there. So please, if you ever feel the urge to take your own life, consider the domino effect you might create. Think of the people you'd be leaving behind and the pain that would cause them. Picture their sad faces over you.

If you feel sorry for yourself. If you're disappointed or angry when you look in the mirror. Even if you think no one will forgive you or love you again, because in your heart you don't deserve it. You can change those thoughts. You can move on and find a sense of worth.. You can become your best self one day. You should look forward to meeting that person! Take the first step and get help now! Talk to a friend. Talk to a family member. Seek professional guidance. You can even talk to your cat (it works for me! lol)... My point is, don't keep it to yourself. It is your right to express! It helps to think out loud. Your burdens can be lifted simply by sharing with others.

Always remember that you are naturally beautiful and perfectly normal exactly the way you are. You're just navigating through a difficult time that your'e not equipped to handle alone. You're human. Mental illness is real. Just like the body, our psyches required TLC and time to heal. The mind is a mysterious thing. 

Living in a fast paced society that bombards us with pressure from dozens of sources to be everything except who we really are, is messing with our creative instinct. We push ourselves beyond human capacity. We forget to love ourselves because the media tells us we are not complete. But we are born whole. We come into this world pure and abundant. So what's missing? Don't be swayed by manipulated propaganda. You fill a space in others hearts and minds that can never be replaced. You come from love. So, love yourself from the inside out.

Be strong. Be you! Love your quirks & imperfections. Don't be ashamed to admit you're in a funk if you've had a bad day that lasts for weeks. Life isn't always happy. If you're depressed, not everyone can understand you. But I guarantee someone will listen.

You deserve the future that is yet to come. It's yours to design. You are an important part in others lives. It's true! Be thankful for the opportunity to make memories every day. You can learn to live with anxiety, depression, pain or stress and manage it well enough to enjoy life. I promise... I am living proof. I am here and now. I absolutely love the life I've created for myself! And, though I may still struggle most days, I know that I am lucky to be alive. I've had two decades of the greatest "do-over" one could ever imagine. I am thriving. And, I am so very grateful for that.

xox

Angélique