July 27, 2021

Life Lately ~ Feeling A Little Melancholy These Days



My heart is protected in a bubble. My soul escapes to dreams entertaining my mind with vast journeys. And, most days, my heart is locked in a glass house, living on the reflective side of a two-way mirror.

I don't really know how to be socially confident. I used to fake it well enough to convince myself that maintaining a jubilant demeanour was a wise defence to mask my insecurities. But, I often come across as over talkative -because subconsciously I am desperate to avoid sharing my true self.

I have grown and I do my best to listen more attentively, now. Actively suppressing my desire to respond. Silence used to make me feel so uneasy. I couldn't stop myself from filling that space -anticipating what others might be thinking. I've learned that I don't always have to speak. Finally! I still feel restless during quiet moments amongst others. But I remind myself to breathe. I listen to what the silence is telling me. I listen while others put their thoughts in order. I am learning to accept the calm and let things be what they will. Within and around me.

I constantly judge myself on behalf of others. I've probably been doing this my entire life, but I only recently came to understand it. I presume from their perspective, that they're criticizing all my flaws and failures. I worry that people might see I am anxious beyond consolation. I worry that people worry too much about me. I hate the excuse that I'm anxious. I hate the feeling when my stomach is in my throat and my heart jumps out of my chest. I hate when I am at the mercy of panic disorder. As a grown woman, I choose to push myself past the barriers of social anxiety. But, it's not easy to let go of old behaviour and bad habits.

I fear that I've lost my voice. I feel like no one really hears me. I am not strong enough to bare myself to others anymore. I am not strong enough to defend myself against myself; for days, after social interactions. I project the disappointment I feel regarding my own limits, unto the people around me, sabotaging my own psyche with negative talk. I can't appreciate the success and happiness that others deserve because I am not truly happy with myself.

Why am I so emotionally stunted? Why is it so difficult for me to even want to be a part of social gatherings? It's all in my head but it's not something I can control. I aim to get out of my comfort zone. But it's the only place I truly feel safe and accepted. Okay with not being okay. Not worried about making others feel okay that I'm not okay. I slip into a state of urgent duress when I'm around others because the I'm forced to deal with how much life I seem to miss out on. I don't want them to feel sorry for me. And, I don't want to listen to people who think they know better and tell me how lame they think my lifestyle seems. It is what it is. And, the best I can make it.

I tend to struggle with self control and time management. I want to be in charge of me! I want to wake up feeling grateful for being alive to even have the chance to wake up! Instead I feel disoriented and insignificant. My consciousness fleeting. I want to feel well enough to get ready before I'm late. I don't want excuses and I am tired of that explanatory monologue in my head. But mornings are the antagonist to my journey of self-actualization. It's in the morning that I feel most anxious and sore. Waking up to a broken body that was never whole... It's in the morning that I really, really need someone else to lean on.

It takes much time to become what we're meant to be. It's always changing. Ever evolving. We say one thing today. Tomorrow, the idea means nothing to us. I keep wishing for one more day, a new year or even another lifetime to get the best out of this sentient experience, because I don't have a lot of time in this body. But, because time and space are irrelevant, it's possible I already had my best lifetime so my current woes are neither here nor there. :)

I guess I feel that I'm missing my purpose this time around and that's a hard pill to swallow. Because I'm just biding time. Waiting my turn to go home and start over. Growing with and in spite of my environment and those I share it with. I have learned to simply love myself and forgive others. Now, I have to learn to simply love others and forgive myself.

oxo

Angélique

July 6, 2021

The Biggest Love Of My Life Is A Total Mama's Boy!

 

Meet Kenji! He came into my life when I was ready and looking for a new family member three years ago. I was at PetSmart to buy new fish and as I always do, I browsed the adoption kitties. I just want to pet them all, don't you? :)

I approached a cage where this little grey cutie caught my eye. His two brothers were wrestling and hadn't noticed me at all. But, Kenji came up for some pets through the cage. I asked if I could take him out to hold him. And the moment he was in my arms, I fell in love.


The best part is that I adopted him through the humane society. He had been fostered since he was approximately five weeks old. I attribute that early human socialization as to why he is such an affectionate cat. He was named by his fosters and I liked the name, so I kept it. It suits him well. He's such a mama's boy! He fills my heart which adds to my inner peace. He is one of my soul mates and a true best friend.


I started working remotely in March 2020. Kenji loves having me working from home. He is my desk buddy! For the most part he sleeps on one side of the desk -often taking up more than half... He cuddles my arms and uses my hand as a pillow. He likes to steal my pens and desperately wants to be included when I'm on Skype calls. He bugs for attention by head butting my face with kisses or playing with the headphone wire. Lol. It can be annoying sometimes. But it's super adorable how much he just wants to be with me.

I am blessed to have been at that particular PetSmart, during the 2018 spring adoption weekend. Otherwise, I wouldn't have met the biggest love of my life. He's my Kenji-Boy, my Bubby, my Kenji-The-Grey... He's my protector and the best company a single gal could ask for. I am absolutely grateful that he chose me.



Go ahead and leave a pic of your fur-babies in the comments below. Share why your pets are unique and how they make your house a home. Thanks for stopping by!

OXO
Angélique

June 21, 2021

Mantra Mondays ~ Post Seven



I am doing my best to become minimalist. But, I have to be honest -it's not easy. It's not easy to turn off the want that plagues me with insecurity. Advertisements are relentless. Community creates peer pressure. I am left to feel that if I don't get the things that others find to be essential, I won't fit in. No one wants to feel that way. Even those of us who say others' opinions don't matter. We still prefer to fit in when we can. That's the human condition. It's an empowering sensation to feel that you belong. No one really wants to be on the side lines -benched.

There is always something that captures my interest. Leading me to want newness to make that interest attainable. I so easily forget that time is irrelevant. And nothing that I really want needs to be had now. Again, another idea that isn't quite so easy to follow. I try not to be influenced by all the noise around me. I trust that I have enough. I am very much aware of my tendencies to fall for false truths. I am learning to accept that I don't need things to be happy. Nothing is more urgent than ones own peace of mind.

This mantra helps me maintain control over my spending habits. It helps me trust that I have everything I need. It reminds me to find other ways to satisfy my cravings for more. Instead of buying something new, I try looking for something I already have that I can repurpose. It's a challenge against my ego. Every day.

"Everything I need is readily available to me. There is nothing I shall want. I am grateful for every blessing that the universe provides."

I know these words are a long time concept that religions & spiritual practices take into account. It's a recycled idea that I found a new way of saying. Trust in the universe or whatever you call the light that guides you. Abundance is our birthright. Wanting is a learned behaviour.


~ Namaste ~

OXO
Angélique

April 15, 2021

Thankful Thursdays ~ Post 11


THREE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1) My Mum:
I am blessed to have such wonderfully loving and supportive parents. I've said it plenty of times. But today, I'm especially thankful that my mother is the woman I was gifted with. She is patient, strong and understanding. She leads by example and offers a helpful hand any time I need her. My mum gave me roots and wings to always remain grounded but to also let my spirit soar. She continues to teach me to stand tall and find courage in myself every day.

2) Having Patience:
~ I am exercising my patience muscles much lately. With myself, others and daily challenges. It's a hard truth to accept when you can't change things you greatly desire to. But I don't give up. I must remain patient and focussed on my personal goals to achieve my dreams. I have lots of time to smell the flowers as I follow the path to my plan.

3) Work Experience:
~ I am quite happy at my job. I am grateful that I have been working throughout the vast changes in the world this last year. I've worked with the same company for over eleven years now. I receive emails from recruiters through my linked-in profile about once a season. Though I have no intentions to leave my job, it's a wonderful feeling to see other companies are impressed in me. I've invested a lot of time in my career. It's good to know I have options. I've gained a great deal of confidence in myself whilst working remotely and I look forward to starting my work day most often. :)


~ Namaste ~
oxo

Angélique

April 5, 2021

Mantra Mondays ~ Post Six

 


It's been a rough haul lately, hasn't it? Seems as though the last year has been one long restless dream. 2020 was a big year of self discovery for me. I am sure it's been a time of growth for all of us. We've had a lot of life's challenges these days. I've been thinking lately that the modern serenity prayer has been in our vocabulary all along. "It is what it is". We have to embrace what is. And, accept what isn't. And, we have to to trust that patience and faith are one in the same.

I haven't used this mantra much myself. It's a newer one I'd saved in my list of positive ideas which wasn't complete. I keep bits and pieces and put them together after a while. I believe what's most important nowadays is learning to appreciate community again. We've all been distanced from one another. Normal is never going to be the same again. But, we can make the best of it. For someone like me, I've had a lot of practice being locked down. Not by the government, but by my own will. Or, lack thereof.

I am always curiously looking out and up. I've spent a lifetime living enclosed by a glass layer making me feel exposed and estranged from the world all at once. Anxiety does that to me. Being stuck at home due to Covid restrictions is something I can live with. I'm accustomed to being alone and prefer smaller social scenes. I find it really hard to relate to others who are most irritated by this lingering situation.

I honestly haven't got any good advice for anyone right now. So, when you feel overwhelmed and stir crazy, keep this mantra in mind.

"I trust in the universe. I trust in myself. And I trust that kindness exists in others. Life is filled with miracles!"


We're all in this together! And, it's proven that we work better together. So, let's believe in ourselves and each other! We can all benefit from trusting that the universe provides miracles every day.


~ Namaste ~

OXO
Angélique

March 11, 2021

Thankful Thursday ~ Post 10


THREE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1) Comedians:
I am absolutely grateful for professional comedians who have kept me entertained throughout the last year. I've always liked good comic relief, but being alone for quarantine and working from home have turned comedy specials into my favourite pastime that keeps me company.

2) Delivery Services:
~ I admit I got swept up in the idea of going out into public being unsafe for a while this past year. Living with anxiety during a global pandemic can be difficult. But it can be a blessing too. I have been able to use the various services to get food delivered to my door when I was too anxious to be around strangers. I have always preferred to shop online and have it delivered. It's a wonderful convenience to get groceries and toiletries delivered now, as well.

3) The Weather Break:
~ It's March 11, and spring has already made an appearance here in southern Ontario. I don't know about you, but spring is my favourite time of the year! I am thankful for a break in the long, cold days and I look forward to seeing the neighbourhood in it's full lush bounty again!



~ Namaste ~
oxo

Angélique

March 10, 2021

Willow Tree


Willow Tree

Willow tree you seem so sad
Have your children run away?
Willow tree you hang so low
And shelter me from the bitter day.
Your branches limp
Controlled by the breeze.
Your branches soft
Move with grace.
Will tree, I ask what's wrong?
Looking weak, you stand so strong.
Willow tree, I lean upon you.
My days are long, though I will not stray.
Willow tree, you stretch over me.
Because our children have run away.

-Angélique Dawn ~ 1997-

March 4, 2021

Thankful Thursdays ~ Post Nine


THREE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1) Remote Work:
I was blessed to be a part of the population who got set up to work remotely, due to the Covid-19 pandemic. I was sent home at the end of March, 2020. At first, I didn't like the idea because I was nervous that I wouldn't work hard enough on my own. But that pay check certainly motivates me to do my best and push past the feelings of fatigue throughout the day. Dealing with anxiety is much easier in isolation. For me personally, anyway. It's lovely to be surrounded by my house plants and cats while I work from a safe place called home.

2) Positive Feedback:
~ I received a compliment for my hard work the other day. I was asked to take on another account on top of how busy I already am. I agreed and was pleasantly surprised when my manager said she was proud of me for stepping up. She acknowledged that I am doing a great job handling my work and dealing with the changes that have been happening. It felt great!

3) The Angels & Spirits:
~ I am aware of the energy that is around us outside of any physical form. I believe that the universe sends angels and spirits to guide us at all times. I am getting better at listening to the silence around me. I am learning how to interpret without analyzing. I accept the knowledge that triggers my gut to tell me what is and isn't truth. It is a special kind of magic I used to understand well, before I grew up. I am grateful to be reminded of their presence by subtle signs around me everywhere.


~ Namaste ~
oxo

Angélique

March 1, 2021

Mantra Mondays ~ Post Five



Over the last few months I've been working on being more creative. I've learned to trust that my own talents have merit in the creative world. I am letting go of the things that I cannot make time for. And trying to manage my time better. Overcoming the fears that hold me back are most important to me now. Success is my birthright -just the same as joy.

Recently, I had the opportunity to work with a friend collaborating on a writing project that was his idea. It's so nice to brainstorm and suggest ideas for something that is greater than myself. I forgot how imaginative I am. I can see myself collaborating with more creatives on other projects soon enough. I'm inspired to dive back into my creative centre again.

Late last year I went through a spiritual-existential reconnection. It was overwhelming and surreal and felt like life stood still for a minute. What I gained most from that soul reflection was the understanding that my purpose is now. My time is now. The future is now. I am grateful for the chance to be alive now.

"I am the greatest project I will ever get to work on. I am grateful for the time I am blessed with to make magic of myself."


I think this mantra suits the theme of the world lately. Society is undergoing a global awakening. We are shifting into a new age of eternal growth. I am catching up to the universe's plan for me. I encourage you to work at fulfilling your creative purpose and do the same.


~ Namaste ~

OXO
Angélique