Thankful Thursdays ~ Post Six

*Photo Credit Unknown; Edited by Angélique Dawn*

THREE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1) My cats:
~ I have two cats that are ten and eight years old. The best thing about my cats is they don't disturb my plants (knock on wood) and they are pretty easy going kitties... I am mostly thankful for my cats because they literally give me a daily dose of antidepressant. When I can't sleep, I get up and find a cat to snuggle -if they're not already in bed with me. Then I just reach out and touch them to calm my mind or soothe my soul. I honestly can't imagine life without my furry, purry girls. They make the best roommates!

2) Having enough food:
~ Truth be told, I sometimes take food for granted. I occasionally waste food because I forget about it in the fridge and it goes bad. I've been trying to be more careful with how I spend my money lately. So, instead of buying take-out or over purchasing fresh produce, I've been focusing on the foods in my pantry and freezer. Now, I am so very grateful for canned and frozen goodies. I make sure every year to donate food & toiletries when my work puts a few boxes together for the UPS canned good drive. I also pray that the whole world has enough food to eat.

3) Forgiveness:
~ I struggle every day to say the right thing. I get anxious and mix my sentences together and leave room for people to read between the lines. I react too quickly and I have hurt friends more often than I can count just because I was imperfect with my words. Then I get mad at myself and upset about the whole situation. Unfortunately, sometimes I don't see the big picture or consider how many people my words reach. But all I can really do is say, I'm sorry. I am grateful for the people who have accepted and forgiven me during those times. I am also thankful for the people I am able to forgive even when their words or actions hurt me. It's healthy to let it go.

Regardless of anyone's intentions hurt still happens. So forgive swiftly. Forgive unconditionally. And forgive often.

~ Namaste ~

OXO

Angélique

Why I Switched To Kotex Brand Liners & Pads

*This is not a sponsored post. The claims written herein are my own thoughts due to interest and research. Please see my Disclosure page for more information*

Let's talk about that time of the month. Shall we? ... Yep, you guessed it. This post is about my period! lol... Here's the deal. Choosing the right brand of pads and liners can be a difficult, personal decision. Am I right?

I was loyal to a certain brand for always. But about five years ago I started noticing boil-like pimples along my bikini line. I researched reasons why these pimples were occurring. I wondered, was it my body wash? was I using too much detergent in my laundry? was it just my hormones? The main issue was that those pimples kept breaking out in the middle of my flow. They also only lasted a few days, so seemed to be more of a rash than a blemish. They were quite painful as every movement I made aggravated them.

After a few weeks of research, and some shocking facts, I learned that some materials in most pads and liners are generally known to be skin irritants. Oy! My natural journey has lead me to many disappointing aha moments. This was definitely one of them!

Since I refuse to wear tampons anymore, due to my concerns about toxic shock syndrome, I've tried a menstrual cup instead. I'll share my experience using that in another blog post. I only mention this now because I had previously considered giving up conventional feminine hygiene products altogether. Before I learned how bad these items were for our health, I was concerned about how bad they are for the environment. I thought a menstrual cup -something used for ages before industry, by the way- would help reduce my carbon footprint. 

Initially, searching out alternatives to plastic/chemical filled feminine napkins, I came upon a few reusable brands. They have a variety of styles and cute patterns so I was totally convinced I should buy a handful and go back to my roots regarding feminine hygiene by using washable protective measures. But reusable brands are crazy expensive when you consider how many items you'll actually need during those 3-5 days.

I figured I should try to make my own liners and pads. I bought a simple, inexpensive sewing machine. And I stocked up on the accessories I'd need for the project. I invested in organic bamboo and cotton diaper making supplies. I read a bunch of blogs, and watched Youtube tutorials to learn how to make my own pads... But reusable pads require special cleaning. It's also yucky and hard to get my mind around reusing the same old rags...

In my google searches, I used the keywords cotton and natural, hoping to find a natural suitable brand of feminine products. But mostly links to diaper making supply companies came up. I guess DIY diapers are popular with parents these days... Interestingly, however, Kotex also popped up every time, with links to the brand's newest products. So I researched the ingredients in their liners and pads and I made an honest decision to switch to Kotex for a trial period. Below are images of the products I found to be most useful for me personally. You may prefer other sizes/absorbencies so check out the official site UbyKotex to find the right fit for you!

I stock up on these items at Walmart.ca. I keep them in my "auto-save" list so I receive a discount for having it delivered! Walmart already has the lowest price for these items and I can't find the jumbo packs anywhere else.

I'm happy to say that Kotex has met my expectations and keeps me comfortably protected during my menstrual cycle. The pimples have stopped occurring which solves the main issue that brought about this change! As a bonus, I also feel dryer than I did with other brands. And most importantly, the products do not stick to my skin because the top layer is made with a touch of cotton. Kotex has me covered so stains are virtually a thing of the past! If you're questioning your current brand of feminine hygiene care. I highly recommend you try Kotex brand's unique line.

A few pros are: less leakage and spotting. I rarely have accidents anymore! At night, because I'm a restless sleeper, my old brand couldn't keep up. I need a pad that will stay in place. Otherwise it's not doing it's job. When I sleep on my back, I need a pad that's long & absorbent enough to catch the leaks that gravity makes on the bedsheets.

A few cons are: not a hundred percent natural. They do have some plastic in them. Which means they are still adding to the landfills.

I challenge Kotex, or any brand responsible for the production of feminine hygiene products, to create a truly one hundred percent natural feminine pad, that is absorbent and durable, yet comfortable and biodegradable. In the meantime, I still have the supplies and patterns to DIY the issue at home if I choose to.

Would you try Kotex brand or do you already use their line? Have you tried any reusable brands yourself and would you recommend them? How about making your own... are you that much of a hippie? :)

Share your thoughts in the comments below. And pass this on to a friend!

OXO

Angélique

*Photos used in this blog post were borrowed from the internet and altered to connect back to this page. The actual owner of these photos is unknown.*

Mantra Mondays Post Three

Welcome back to Mantra Mondays! This one's a quickie! I say it to myself often when I'm insecure. Sometimes I get anxious and overwhelmed feeling less than adequate. At those times, this short mantra is a life saver. It's a solid reminder that no matter how I feel. I am good enough.

The picture of the small aloe against the big aloe inspires me. They are both magnificent. Equal in stout and intention. They only differ in size. The image sets the stage for a deep and serious stream of thought. Focus on the two aloes as you breathe in and slowly exhale. Repeat the mantra three times. Breathe deeply. And continue the mantra repetitions for at least thirty seconds. However, three to five minutes will give you invigorating results!

I am strong. I am plenty. I am whole.

Yes. You are! :)

~ Namaste ~

OXO

Angélique

Thankful Thursdays ~ Post Five

THREE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1) My Girlfriends:
~ I have a a small handful of close girlfriends. And two of them include my sisters! I also have two soul sisters. One whom I've been friends with since I was thirteen and another whom I'm been friends with since I was twenty. Now that I am older, I consider my mom a good friend, too. And my step mother is another girlfriend I've been blessed with. I am very, very thankful for these close women in my life.

2) The Kids In My Life:
~ I have a niece and nephews! But I'm also an aunty figure to my friends kids, and the cousins kids! I always admire the children in the group and I tend to gravitate toward them in social settings. I sort of act like a governess by keeping them all involved/entertained while casually monitoring their safety amongst each other. I do have a favourite (only) niece lol... I'm her godmother so we have a special bond. But she's kinda my best friend too! She's ten already. I am very thankful to be a part of her life. And I'm grateful for my nephews, and the kids connected through my extended family. They keep me grounded.

3) The Opportunity To Work Overtime:
~ I have a great job and one of the best things is the fact that there's often overtime available. Receiving extra money is a blessing. I spend about four hours a few nights a week processing stacks of paperwork and I get paid by the file. So when I have lots to do and I get into a good rhythm I can make a decent amount of extra cash. It helps pay for my hobbies. And it helps keep this blog running. So when you wonder what's going on if I don't post anything new for a while. Just know I'm working hard at my regular job taking care of business.


So here we are again. Just you and me and this positive moment. Let's keep it going. What are you thankful for? Comment with your reasons and share this post with your friends on social media! Thank You! :)

~ Namaste ~ 

OXO

Angélique

When Life Gives You Lemons

This whole positive thinking concept isn't working for me anymore. Or at least, not lately. It's just leading me to a bigger pit of disappointment and self-loathing. I have nothing to live for at this point. I show up where I need to be but I'm not putting any emotion into it. I'm there simply because I have to be. I can't find happiness in anything I do or am involved in anymore. I honestly believe I'm a fraud. I am angry and bitter. And I swear that the world has left me behind...

The other day I made the mistake of checking out one of my "ex-whatevers" on Facebook. He was in the list of people I might know. And instead of ignoring it like usual, I let curiosity happen. But that turned out to be a huge slap in the face. He, along with many others who claimed they did not want kids, has a child. So, officially, every man in my history who told me they didn't want a family, therefore causing me to end that relationship, now has the family I wanted. The truth is, these men didn't not want kids. They just didn't want them with me. And sadly, I understand why. I am a useless example of a woman. I can't commit to anything. I have such slow motivation. I stay up at night playing with my hobbies and ventures, and all I really do is sleep and work. It's interesting that in the end, I likely won't be having children. Now, isn't that ironic?

I feel like I've wasted a lifetime anticipating a future I am not being offered. The universe is laughing at me. I am a silly girl, always getting ahead of herself. It's true. I never finish what I start before moving on to the next thing. I take on new projects or ideas the moment things get difficult. I procrastinate and I change my mind because I'm too afraid to really step up to the plate and take accountability for my actions. So, I don't act. I talk and theorize and I plan and research, but I take forever to start and even longer to finish. I come back to things. And I finish some things. But I tend to change everything before finally making up my mind.

I go through life in phases like the seasons. I push myself up into happiness and get pulled down by depression. I take deep breaths and try to be courageous but anxiety keeps me from exhaling. I constantly try to fill the gap with things and busy hands. But I always slip back into depression and get comfortable there and tell myself the world is better off leaving me in that corner.

I've been struggling with pain and fatigue since I can remember. I've had to push myself a thousand times harder than the average person just to get out of bed. I've been teased for sleeping too much. I've been mocked for being tired and sore all the time. And I know how much it irritates others when I'm late. These are things I cannot change. But now, my body is afflicted by pre-cancerous cells which will ultimately prevent me from having kids. This is something I could have changed.

After fighting with myself every day for thirty eights years, trying to grow up. It's too late. I never grew up and now life's absolutes are in progress. I can't turn back time. So, I wonder. Do I even have a purpose here? Clearly, I'm not meant to raise a family, or even find a compatible partner. Ya see, men start things slow with me, but abandon ship quickly. I am not a keeper. I'm not the woman to make a home with. I have merely been an adventure for the time being when they needed some affection. Often during a rebound. How did I set myself up to be that girl? I sabotaged every chance I had for something special. I was too afraid to ask for what I wanted. I've always doubted my worth.

I'm sick of being asked what's wrong. Nothing's wrong. But what do you think is right here? I'm a thirty eight year old broken woman whose best years are long behind her. And, I've been euchred by every douchebag I've dated. I'm sweet and cute and attractive on the outside. But I'm a disaster on the inside and no one wants to deal with that! No one wants to accept that I am the very best I can be as is. They expect there's more to me that I'm just not harnessing. But, they're wrong. I am exactly what I am. And I give my all. But my all doesn't endure as long as yours does. Deep down I don't expect a man to want a future with me. I wouldn't be surprised if I grow old alone. I should finally accept that, instead of living in my head imagining what could be. I'm giving up trying to find a partner. I'm tapping out of the dating game. I'm not interested in relating anymore.

A year or so is not enough time for me to rightfully choose a partner, fall in love and try to get pregnant. It's just. Not. Enough. Time. I'm still trying to establish my career and get a day job. I'm still preparing to take the customs course, which I failed twice before. There's no way I can make room for a child in that time even if my perfect imaginary man showed up tomorrow. It's just not happening and I'm so over it. But really I'm not... I'm just very angry. Because I know the problem is me. I know the problem is my lifestyle. I know the rest of the world thinks I'm lazy and that I sleep too much. And, I know that they're mostly right.

I say that life gave me lemons. But I know the truth is that I sowed and nurtured those lemon seeds all on my own. And now that nature says it's time to harvest I realize how greatly I've let myself down. I planted the wrong seeds damn it! The girl I used to be didn't have much self worth. She was awkward and nervous and insecure. She talked too much, went too fast and made the easier choice every single time. I don't want to be her anymore. I have to refine this life she created. I have to take ownership for this experience. No one else is going to take responsibility for me...

I don't want to talk just because I'm worried what others are thinking. I don't want to avoid my real feelings just to end up unhappy because I didn't speak for myself in the first place. I don't want to be the girl who lets other's opinions matter so much. I want to distance the girl I have always been from the woman I choose to be. I'm departing on a new life with purpose now. I am leaving behind all the bad seeds in my mind. I'm taking a vow of listening. And, learning to find peace in silence. Great things happen when the mind is quiet.

On a personal note, for those of you who know me. Nothing's wrong. Actually, everything's wrong. But I'm trying to make it right. So please, bare with me.

Growing,

OXO

Angélique

Trying To Keep It Together When Reality Bites...

My life wasn't supposed to unfold like this...

I wasn't supposed to be turning thirty eight -still working nights, single, and having no kids. This was not in the original plan; the deal I made with the universe before coming to this world. I was supposed to grow up, start a writing career, build amazing relationships, meet a charming man, get married and have kids. And then, become a stay-at-home mom! That was the plan! I've always wanted to raise a family of my own. But, that plan is still yet to be seen. And, now the pressure is on!

I got the results from my procedure in February. It turns out, every cell they collected and examined from my cervix shows a high grade risk for becoming cancer. These are not the results I'd hoped for. When the doctor showed his concern about my age, things got really serious. He suggested that if I want kids, I should try to get pregnant in the next year or so. Because these abnormal cells are likely a prelude to cancerous cells. And since my fertility rate drops by half after forty, I should take precautionary measures in order to survive this pending cancer. I will have to consider a hysterectomy in a few years. Suddenly, my life is no longer the same.

I feel shame over this ordeal. Anger, sadness and shame... I feel responsible for convincing myself I could have children late in life. I'm still not ready and the window is starting to close. I'm adrift in shock and denial. There are no words to express how I truly feel. Empty. Lost. Confused... The thing is, what's going on with these cells isn't even actually cancer. Yet. It's still one step away. But to be on the safe side I will have to give up my uterus because cancer is taunting me. That was never in the plan! I was supposed to have a longer timeline. And, because I'm single, I am the sole person responsible for making this decision. Sometimes growing up is really hard to do.

If at least, I had a partner I would have a sounding board to work through this situation with. I'd be considering our future. Not just my survival. I could make an achievable plan if I had a partner. I'd ask, "Are we going to try to conceive? Would we like to adopt? Are we content to just raise a bunch of fur babies instead of kids?"

All these questions. I don't have the answers. I am not a We. I was so caught up in myself and being independent I didn't realize I'd end up here. Now. Nearly thirty eight. Wondering how time got away from me. I can't even bring myself to fathom the options right now. However, I know for certain that I don't want to be a single mom. It is quite frustrating to be advised that it's now or never. That's a concept hard for me to grasp. I don't do well with urgency. I've always known that I had a timeline. That my biological clock would eventually stop ticking. But, I never expected I'd have to fight cancer, or that it would impede my ability to have kids when the time was right for me...

Should I update my dating profile stating that I'm looking for a great guy to have kids with before cancer takes over my reproductive parts? Hah! The wouldn't be awkward...

There are plenty of options out there. So many ways to create a family nowadays. I know this and I have always considered alternative ways to making that perfect family without conceiving. I'd love to open my heart and home to a child in need. So for me personally, adoption is definitely on the table. And I know my family wouldn't see an adopted child any differently than a biological one. We are a very blended family as it is. But for the last ten years I feel myself led by the desire to search out and find a mate to procreate with. It's a natural human condition. To leave behind our legacy of genes and nurturing. Except, that instinct complicates my interactions with men whom I'm just trying to get to know. How do I keep this on the down low in the dating realm when technically I have so little time..?

I literally shake my head when reality sinks back in. I think about how many pap smears and procedures I've been through. How this went from watching a few abnormal cells in my late twenties, to contemplating a hysterectomy eight years later? Why did the doctors tell me to just keep an eye on it? Why did the doctors tell me not to worry? Why didn't the doctors tell me a few years ago to get on the baby making train asap? I should have known better. It doesn't matter how much I try to grow up. Nothing could've prepared me for this. I'm stunned.

The last few years I've been mesmerized by the idea of pregnancy. Especially since I struggle with chronic pain, I've been telling myself I can do that! I have a high pain tolerance and the human body is designed to bare the pain of childbirth. It's something I was looking forward to. A challenge that would prove how strong I really am. It would be something that brought me closer to understanding my own mother. It's a woman's most basic purpose in life. At least for those of us who want it. I had mapped out how it would all go in an idealistic world. But the universe has other plans for me. Something deep down inside of my being has died. This news has drastically changed me in only a few days. My heart aches for guidance while my mind is off in space. Silence becomes me...

On the very much needed bright side, I am extremely grateful and humbled by the fact that this has been a gradual situation in my life. I know a few women who fought cervical cancer that came up out of nowhere. I can't imagine how scary it would be to have it come on that sudden. I've been blessed to have the opportunity to know something wasn't exactly right before it got scary. And although there's not much you can do but keep checking on those cells and hope for the best. I know I should be grateful for the doctors and appointments. Here's a fact. If you have any sort of potential cancer, the health department sends you a letter detailing the risks, and advises you the next steps to take with your doctor. I've been receiving those letters twice a year for the last eight years. Cancer does suck! But cervical cancer has the highest survival rates. That is something I am thankful for.

I am lucky to have known the facts before any of this became life threatening. My parents have eagerly expressed that they don't need any grandchildren from me. What they need is to have ME around for a long time. I have to put myself in their shoes and take their wishes into consideration. After all, I know that I have their support no matter what. I am loved beyond measure. So beating this is of upmost importance regardless of how strong or weak I feel, or what it might take away from me. I have to fight it and make the best decisions for my loved ones. I have to accept that it is what it is for a wonderful reason. I may not have the hand I wanted in life. But I'm doing my best with the hand I've been dealt. And that's the kind of attitude that exudes happiness.

Yours Truly,

OXO

Angélique

Thankful Thursdays ~ Post 4

*Photo Credit: Natalie Kelly, edited by Angélique Dawn*

THREE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1) My Parents:
~ I am so very thankful for my parents. All of them! Both my parents remarried so I technically have four parents. Plus, an ex step-father! I keep in contact with him. But he lives overseas now so we haven't visited much in the last fifteen years.

My mum recently told me that if I ever need her to come down to Windsor, she gladly will. I've always known I can count on her. But it's a cozy feeling to be reminded that my mummy loves me so much, she'd drop everything just to come hold my hand. I am very thankful for the relationship that's grown between us. She is a super woman in my eyes. Though she says she's just human. I consider her girlfriend to be one of my step mothers. They've been together for twenty years. So she's been a staple in my life and I've learned a lot from her. She always has an answer for my random questions.

My dad lives here so we're close! And he's the greatest guy! He's my main comfort, the person I want when I'm sick. I lived with him during my teen years, so he comforted me throughout many heartbreaks... He has listened to me ramble on and on since I started talking. And he's never discouraged my "stream of consciousness." My step mom, aka ma has been a great blessing since she first came into my life. I was in my early teens when she and my dad started dating. And, she immediately became my friend and confidant. I still go to her when I need to talk about things I'm not ready to tell my parents. She's just cool like that.


2) My Boss:
~ I am super thankful for my boss! Seven years ago she was a patron in the bar I was working at and I mentioned to her I was looking for a regular job. She offered to give me a reference and send out my resume to other companies on my behalf. A short while later, when a spot opened up on the afternoon shift at her office, she called me in. I have always been grateful for her generosity and kindness. And the fact that I can speak to her openly. I want to make her proud. So I keep setting new goals and I work hard to be successful in both my career and personal life.


3) CBT & VON Canada:
~ I am thankful for the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy that is available to me. About a year ago I asked my doctor to send me to a pain specialist because the fibromyalgia pain was really getting me down. I'm exhausted and achy all the time. Mixed with depression that can be problematic. Rather than seeing a new doctor/specialist, I was set up with the Windsor location of VON Canada. The staff assessed my situation and gave both me and my doctor feedback regarding medicine, treatment, etc. They also gave me some old and new advice that I do appreciate.

But that wasn't the end of my relationship with the awesome staff at the VON center. They offer group activities and programs to assist people with chronic pain. They come to you if you're immobile. They also offer one on one sessions with a social worker who specializes in CBT. I've been seeing him for about three months now. He gives me articles to read and homework to complete for our next session. Aside from having to do homework lol, I find that the appointments have been very helpful and I'm learning to manage pain and stress much better than I used to. Perception is everything!


So, what are you thankful for? Was the weather especially nice for the season? Did a stranger smile at you on the subway? Maybe you saw a falling star!? I hope you made a wish. Leave a comment below and share with your friends! :)

~ Namaste ~ 

OXO

Angélique

When You Lose Your Place In The Book Of Life

Well, the end of 2016 brought with it a lot of heartache and confusion in my little corner of the world.  My oldest cat passed away, I learnt that I have a high chance of cervical cancer and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut at work because I've been on the night shift for seven years whilst new people have been hired on for the day shift. I know life is filled with challenges, but on top of all that, it's the new year and I'm nursing a cold. I don't wanna adult anymore... :(

My oldest cat, Gemini would have been seventeen in December. She passed away at the beginning of October, and though it broke my heart to let her go, it was a relief because she had been struggling for the last six months with diarrhea... She also suffered from hyperthyroid so I am very thankful that she lived as long as she did after that diagnoses a few years back. You can read more about her and my other kitties in THIS post. I know to many people a cat is just a cat. But Gemini was my best friend for almost two decades. She was my staple. So long as she was around with her loving purrs I was home. It's been a strange transition without her. But she had a wonderful, long and happy life with me. And, she lives on in so many ways around my house I am reminded of her every day. It's still never easy to say goodbye to those you love. Animal or human. Because they're family.

I haven't discussed this on the blog in the passed, mainly because I didn't want to make it an issue, but for a while now, my doctors have been monitoring abnormal cells on my cervix. I've had repeat paps every six to eight months for at least seven years. For the longest time, the results came back showing abnormal or normal cells. Back and forth. Abnormal. Normal. Repeat.

A few years ago, I had two paps result in normal (back to back) so I didn't have to have a pap for another year, which was when those damn abnormal cells showed up again! And, in December my latest pap showed that the cells have progressed to a high grade risk for cancer. As my family doctor explained to me what was going on, I recall staring blankly at her, feeling my heart sink into oblivion, desperately trying not to cry. She tried to console me with what could be the second worst phrase I've ever been told. "Don't worry, it's not cancer yet..."

It's so very frustrating because I've got my depression under control. I've got my chronic pain under control. I'm getting a third opinion regarding my sleep struggles. Why this? Why now?!! I was on top of the world for the majority of 2016. I didn't let things get me down so quickly. I was handling the loss of my cat like a champ. I was even convincing myself to ask my boss to consider me the next time a day position opens up, hopefully. Now, I may have to battle cancer too?! WTF, this is so not fair. For a girl whose been focused on the natural side of things for a dozen years, why do I have to deal with that dreaded disease? I've got enough health issues on my plate, thank you!

Overall, it's not the end of the world. Odds are, I will survive it. And, I will likely be able to have kids too. The positive side is that my doctors have been doing their job and keeping an eye on those cells. And, I am grateful for their effort. So, we're gonna stop it before it becomes problematic. I also have tons of love and support from friends and family members who reassure me that cervical cancer is actually quite common and curable. I'm personally just tired of being poked and prodded down there and living in this trying not to think about it head space. I suspect they will take another biopsy, as well as potential other procedures to determine the risk and remove the cells. I meet with the gynecologist this week, so my plan of attack is under way.

To any women out there who are going through something similar, or who have been fighting cancer yourselves, please understand that I am just venting in this post and the information I'm sharing is simply my own experience, or advice I've been given. When I meditate/pray on this issue I also send out healing vibes to others who need it. So, please know that we've got this! Leave a comment to let me know your strategies... To any women out there who haven't had a pap in a reasonable time, I urge you to call and set an appointment today! Prevention is the best medicine. So, stay on top of your health and advocate for yourselves.

I want you to know that even though I don't know you, I love you, all of you, and I want you to be your best, healthiest self for a long time to come. When life gets you down and you feel like you can't push any harder, and giving up seems like the easy choice, just remember the people who love and need you in their lives. That is what I do to keep my chin up and fight the daily battle of living well.

As for my work schedule, that's a catch-twenty-two. I was looking for a day job many years ago. I used to waitress at bars so I was on a very late schedule for some time. Since moving to an office environment, my life has changed drastically for the better. My health issues are sorting themselves out because I have health benefits and prescription coverage. I accepted my current role five years ago so I work for the other branches across Canada. The branch I work out of is the only 24/7 office. I didn't want to seem ungrateful and ask for a day position after being offered an independent role that made me feel important and purposeful. So, I've stuck it out and embraced my position with a feeling of achievement.

However, five years later, and now that I'm in my late thirties my biggest dream is to go to bed with the moon and wake up with the sun. People always give me grief over my sleep schedule saying I should just wake up earlier and try to have a life before work. I used to struggle and hate myself every day because I'd try to create the habit of getting up earlier and going to bed earlier. But I'd fail. Almost every time. And, so I'd be upset with myself for not accomplishing simple tasks or giving myself creative time. My brain wants to play and create after work. After I've done what I have to do, that's when inspiration kicks in and I can do what I want to do! Besides, it's impossible to make a consistent lifestyle of waking up for yourself when you live with depression and anxiety. I put work first and sleep around my work schedule because that's how I work best. I can't explain it. It just is what it is.

I want to work during the day so I can have more time to spend with my loved ones. I want to work during the day so I can sell my brand and essential oils in the evening when others are available. I only have time for others during the weekends and it's exhausting to try to fit everyone in over those two days. I love my job. I am grateful for my job. But, my health needs me to stop working during the evening and create normal sleep patterns. I'm tired of being isolated and alone, then feeling foreign when I'm around people because I'm not used to being social anymore.

Sometimes, I'd love to watch someone who works 9-5 try and go to bed shortly after they get home and then wake up at 3am to start their day. So many people tell me I'm crazy. They say that to sleep so late means the day has gotten away from them. Well, that's the difference between you and me. Or, me and them. I don't look at the day based on sunlight. I look at the day based on when I wake up and when I should go to sleep. And, I try to be productive in that time. I base the day on my natural circadian rhythm, which is just backwards because I've worked the late shift for about fifteen years. I am ready to reset it. And, I'm wishing and praying every single day that the opportunity opens up for me to switch to the morning shift and become a day walker again. That would be like winning the lottery for me. Whoop!

Thanks for listening,

OXO

Angélique