|Ready for the real thing?!|
It seems that I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Actually, love has never found me in the places I happened to be. And, whenever I think about the real thing, it freaks me out! There's just so much anxiety in my gut that I can't handle it. The kind of relationship I want is, well, frankly old school. But I was raised to be self sufficient... Besides, where do women find men who want a housewife these days? And, whatever happened to the times when you could meet the love of your life at a friends house while playing cards?
I really wonder if I'm living in a dreamland. I want a nice guy who will love me enough to encourage me to work from home. I want his support and strength to guide and protect me. I'd like to believe that I'm a loving and attentive partner worth knowing. It's just... I'm very picky over who I spend my time with. So, whoever he is, he will certainly be a lucky guy. I mean, where do men find such affectionate and caring women like me?! :)
When I was young, I was more the girl to have relations than relationships. And I didn't even know I was setting myself up for disaster by dating guys who had no future with me... So, there I was getting involved with crushes I met at bars and work or frat parties. I was too afraid to ask for anything serious, because I didn't want to seem desperate or clingy, so I was probably taken as a flake. After months of avoiding a real thing, when the truth came to light that I was merely "their" booty call, I'd end it! As if I didn't know. (I so hope my dad doesn't read this... lol)
I look in the mirror and remind myself that I'm a grown up now. I am lovable. I deserve to be happy and have all the things I want. I belong with my soul mate. My purpose is to create a thriving homestead. So, I'm planning my future while trying to envision a genuine, handsome man by my side. I don't think I want to get married, but I absolutely know I want kid(s) and a partner to grow old with. I'm closer to forty than thirty and I don't wanna miss my window... So, the pressure's starting to build lately. And, I can't figure out why the idea of sharing my life with someone else scares the daylight out of me... What is it that holds me back? Now, that's the million dollar question. ;)
I've put it out to the universe numerous times. But the universe knows I'm scared, so it's responding to my true intentions. I push away any chances. I don't clue in when my girlfriends try to play the wingman. Ya know, being single is actually kinda overwhelming sometimes. It's like I'm perpetually lining up to dive into the deep end. But I can't even climb up the ladder.
A few years ago I joined a dating site. I signed up for three of them actually. I'd read an article that suggested filling out multiple questionnaires for various sites because it was beneficial in helping you get to know yourself and to learn what you're looking for. When I finally broke down and paid for the services (at a discounted rate) I didn't find it any different than the people I'd met at bars & social circles. In fact, people are less inhibited on line, so my impression was that most people were just looking for a hook up.
I chatted with a handful of men through email. I even went off line with one guy and texted him for a month before we planned to meet, then I found out he was lying about who he was. He pulled a "Catfish" on me. I went on a few dates to meet other men, but it never felt right. I feel so foreign when I'm out with a potential mate. I don't know what is wrong with me. I may be irreversibly damaged... sometimes, I wonder.
The truth is I enjoy my independence! Okay, if I'm really honest with myself and my readers, the truth is, I'm still working through some difficult feelings in regards to relationships. I enjoy my independence because it's stable. I thrive at being independent because I've done it for so long. I crave independence because I have lots of hobbies that keep me busy, so I forget to feel lonely.
Yes, sometimes, at night I wish I had someone to hold me. But, then again, I'd have to deal with him in the morning too. lol, just kidding...
I think I'm still healing from my parents divorce (thirty years ago). And, I'm still learning from every stupid decision I made as a younger woman. Goodness gracious, I was a fool. But I have grown immensely. I have no regrets.
I suppose, right now, I just need to take my own advice and be in the moment. Live for today. I can't force anything. I can't ignore everything either. I can't change what I've done or what's happened to me. But, I am beginning to let go of all the crap that distorts my focus, so that my heart and mind are ready when I'm in the right place at the right time. <3
Thanks for listening,