September 25, 2019

Learning To Keep My Cool And Remain Calm & Collected

It's far too easy for me to lose my temper. And it's a very frustrating thing to live with. I'd rather breath and remember that I'll get through it instead of jumping off the deep end. But, this is a skill I have yet to master. I blow up before I think straight and after all is said and done, I feel regret and the need to apologize for my outburst. It brings a lot of shame and embarrassment into my life. And a lot of tears... But I was born this way. And although I'm trying to make it better, it will likely take my entire lifetime.

I know I can be a bit dramatic sometimes. I can't explain why I get lost in the atmosphere. But once I snap out of it, I return to myself. Then I have to clean up the mess I've made or learn to live with it. Whether it be at work, with friends and family, or in the context of a personal relationship. I often find myself wishing I hadn't _Fill In The Blank_.

I want to learn to maintain better control over my emotions. It's not attractive when anxiety gets the best of me. I need to slow down, catch my breath and take a time-out. I should think about my reaction for five minutes, or a few hours -even a day or two, before communicating my feelings. I have to stop making assumptions and ask questions or say what I really mean. I have to ask for help when I need it before I'm too overwhelmed to handle what's on my plate.

I can't take back what I've said once it's out there. I can't undo the breakdown of a panic attack once it's started. I can't control what's happening around me once I'm outside of my comfort zone. I can, however, learn to make better decisions in the moment and stay strong in my will to remain calm.

I often don't ask questions because I might not like the answers. I rarely get what I want because I don't share my needs and I accept being under appreciated. I end up angry with others for taking advantage of me and I overreact. All of which could be avoided. Because I realize it's my own fault for being so passive in the first place.

I'm trying to understand that life isn't always fair. I want to learn how to live courageously. I need to just keep moving on no matter how much anxiety tells me to break down. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I want to believe in myself more. And demand what I deserve instead of waiting for it to come to me. I am a resilient woman. When all else fails me, I adapt.

My anxiety appears as anger and frustration to others. It's really not what it seems. I just need to breath deeply and plug my ears to get through it. I am desperate to repress the habits of thinking out loud and reacting aggressively. The people around me don't need to be affected by what I am dealing with on the inside.

So, that's what I'm working on lately and it's woven into every aspect of my life. Some people are better able to stay calm during intense moments. Others need a bit of help keeping their cool. A friendly reminder from those around them. Well, I've had enough reminders lately and it's time I make myself more tolerable to others when I'm in the midst of an internal struggle. For everyone's sake.

Content And Loving Myself,


September 12, 2019

Thankful Thursdays ~ Post Eight


1) Friends Near & Far:
I am always thankful for my friends (and family), but recently I've been reminded of how lucky I am to have people at my back. People who will fight for and with me. People who will listen, help me grow and change with the winds. I am thankful for my friends who live close and for the few friends who live away. Two things friends do best is tell it to you straight (especially when you don't wanna hear it) and cheer you up when you're down. That's what good friends are for. Laughter and love.

2) Second Chances:
~ I know I overreact. A lot of the time. It's something I'm working on. I'm quick to speak my mind without thinking twice, or three times, or four... When I'm really passionate or upset I become like thunder and lightning. I am thankful that the people I really care about, care enough about me to forgive and move on.

3) Letting Go Of Bad Habits:
~ I need to start meditating. I need to learn to manage my emotional triggers better. Everything just takes time. It takes time to fall apart. It takes time to realize it. And it takes time to put it all back together. But changing what you don't like about yourself takes a lifetime. Or, so it seems. I want to break the cycle of emotions that lead me into spirals of self doubt. I am thankful that the universe has it's way of telling me - it's time.

~ Namaste ~


September 9, 2019

Mantra Mondays ~ Post Four

*Photo Credit Unknown; Edited by Angélique Dawn*

Finances have become worrisome, so this mantra helps keep my head above water. It helps me catch my breath. And, it gives me air when I find myself anchored to the bottom of the ocean. I believe that the universe has a good plan for me. I am grateful for the fact that I have enough. And, I always manage to pay the bills so I can sleep at night.

When I get overly stressed at work, this mantra plays in my consciousness. I have to meditate to pull my focus back -away from the worry that consumes me. The worry that I'm not good enough, won't ever be enough, and I'm always falling behind others who excel at everything they do.

Lastly, my heart and my spirit feel a great deal of strain lately. It's funny. Even when I try "dating without strings" I still get hurt. All I ask for is honesty and the respect to give me all details upfront. Don't make me play the fool. In the end, most men can only be as honest as it takes to seduce you. They hide behind omissions so they can say they didn't lie.

So, I just breathe deeply and repeat this mantra, reminding myself that I got this. The universe provides everything I need. Even my heart & soul are under its protection. When I go through the motions during loss or struggle of any kind, I try to pick myself up and say...

"I was born into plenty. And I come from abundance. I shall not want for I have everything I need."

No matter how tough times might get in any aspect of my life, I will always be guided by the universe and the light it shines for me.

~ Namaste ~


January 17, 2019

Thankful Thursdays ~ Post Seven


1) Good Friends:
I am grateful for the wonderful friends (and family) in my life. This may be a regular thing for which I am thankful and will likely become a theme in future posts. However, it's a great truth to my character. Without certain people in my world I would give up on myself before even trying. The right people who truly care about you, motivate and listen to you. The people whom I let close to me nourish my mind and soul as much as they give my heart a safe place to expand.

2) The Day Shift:
~ I was finally granted the privilege of joining the day team at my place of work. It happened last spring, and it took me a long time to get into the groove because my adapted habit of being a day sleeper when I worked nights made it difficult for me to flip the switch. I just couldn't fall asleep for the first six months of working days so I was exhausted and making a lot of mistakes. I was also learning a whole new role so it was a really big change, but the best change ever! I am very teachable! I can do anything if someone shows me how. I seem to have found a circadian rhythm now, and I can balance my responsibilities.

3) Lunch Break Walk:
~ I started walking again on my lunch break. I used to do it regularly on the night shift, but lost my motivation because I didn't have a good winter jacket at the time. It gets dark faster in winter so I wouldn't walk during the colder season much. Now that I'm on days I take a break at one o'clock and I power-walk a moderate route in about twenty five minutes. It's a quick way to get my heat rate up and break a small sweat. When I get back to my desk, the rest of the afternoon flies by and then it's home time.

Are you thinking about the things that bring joy to your life? Do you focus on what lifts you up and guides you to the best version of yourself? Is there one thing in life you are grateful for... How bout three or five!? Leave a comment below and share with your friends. Let's start 2019 on a thankful train! :)

~ Namaste ~


January 9, 2019

Life Lately ~ Relationships And Ending Thirty Something...

They say history repeats itself. Well, I guess it's the same for her story too. When it comes to love and relationships, I am the poster child for failed attempts and do-overs. These last few years I've experienced a lot of life's changes. Good ones. Many growth opportunities. The only thing that hasn't changed is the fact that I have no idea what I want out of my relationships. I am honest to a fault, but apprehensive about my own needs. And the moment I get involved with someone, the daydreams take over and I'm circled by "what if's". I gave up on searching for something meaningful a while ago. I gave up searching altogether.

Suddenly, I stumbled into a friends with benefits situation and I can't completely keep my feelings out of it. Perhaps, these feelings are residual. After all, it's an old friend and lover who's back in my life. And, I can't shake what we had before. Though, I know he won't be around for long. He's already told me this. It's true "adulting" trying to be friends with someone you once loved. I missed our friendship. But our bodies cannot fight the attraction! So, it is what it is and I'm enjoying the moment for what it's worth. :)

I find myself thinking I should date a handful of fellas at once to keep the balance. Mainly to stop myself from daydreaming about a future with anyone. When I focus on just one person, I crave more of that person! The one thing I know I want most in life is to maintain my independence. I really don't want to need anyone else in my life. It makes me feel out of control because it becomes a constant distraction. I get messy when I'm overjoyed by a man.

The fact that I'll be turning forty this year makes me realize I don't want to settle down. I always thought I would but I've been on my own for so long I don't think I could stand living with someone now. After that cancer scare (everything's okay, no worries) I had a serious think over my options in life. And I full heartedly accepted that raising children is not my purpose. I thought it was. I thought I would only be a real woman once I had kids. But the honest to goodness truth is that I'm not cut out to be a mother. I'm nurturing and I have a connection with babies and little ones, but it's not my purpose to bring them into the world and prepare them for the future. It's just not my kind of commitment.

Most of my dreams and hobbies will take till I'm retired to fully enjoy. I've come to understand that. So, I've been on a kind of hiatus from crafting lately and I only make my facial oil every few months. But I've been using healthy brands for deodorant, body wash, toothpaste, etc. And, I've become affiliated with a very uniquely awesome haircare brand called L'Ange! They're products and quality are amazing and my hair is super soft and manageable every day! I'll share more about that in another post.

The best news is that I started working days this past spring! It's better for my health and I am so very grateful for the opportunity. I feel happier at work most days now. I'd like to take the customs certification course next year, but I'm not sure if I'll be ready for it. It's a pretty hefty cost for the course which is a year long. I've been working in customs brokerage for nine years, and I'm still afraid to take the course again. lol... I failed it twice early on in my career, so I know how hard it is. Now that I am on days and learning much, much more I am sure I will successfully pass the course the next time I try.