January 9, 2019

Life Lately ~ Relationships And Ending Thirty Something...

They say history repeats itself. Well, I guess it's the same for her story too. When it comes to love and relationships, I am the poster child for failed attempts and do-overs. These last few years I've experienced a lot of life's changes. Good ones. Many growth opportunities. The only thing that hasn't changed is the fact that I have no idea what I want out of my relationships. I am honest to a fault, but apprehensive about my own needs. And the moment I get involved with someone, the daydreams take over and I'm circled by "what if's". I gave up on searching for something meaningful a while ago. I gave up searching altogether.

Suddenly, I stumbled into a friends with benefits situation and I can't completely keep my feelings out of it. Perhaps, these feelings are residual. After all, it's an old friend and lover who's back in my life. And, I can't shake what we had before. Though, I know he won't be around for long. He's already told me this. It's true "adulting" trying to be friends with someone you once loved. I missed our friendship. But our bodies cannot fight the attraction! So, it is what it is and I'm enjoying the moment for what it's worth. :)

I find myself thinking I should date a handful of fellas at once to keep the balance. Mainly to stop myself from daydreaming about a future with anyone. When I focus on just one person, I crave more of that person! The one thing I know I want most in life is to maintain my independence. I really don't want to need anyone else in my life. It makes me feel out of control because it becomes a constant distraction. I get messy when I'm overjoyed by a man.

The fact that I'll be turning forty this year makes me realize I don't want to settle down. I always thought I would but I've been on my own for so long I don't think I could stand living with someone now. After that cancer scare (everything's okay, no worries) I had a serious think over my options in life. And I full heartedly accepted that raising children is not my purpose. I thought it was. I thought I would only be a real woman once I had kids. But the honest to goodness truth is that I'm not cut out to be a mother. I'm nurturing and I have a connection with babies and little ones, but it's not my purpose to bring them into the world and prepare them for the future. It's just not my kind of commitment.

Most of my dreams and hobbies will take till I'm retired to fully enjoy. I've come to understand that. So, I've been on a kind of hiatus from crafting lately and I only make my facial oil every few months. But I've been using healthy brands for deodorant, body wash, toothpaste, etc. And, I've become affiliated with a very uniquely awesome haircare brand called L'Ange! They're products and quality are amazing and my hair is super soft and manageable every day! I'll share more about that in another post.

The best news is that I started working days this past spring! It's better for my health and I am so very grateful for the opportunity. I feel happier at work most days now. I'd like to take the customs certification course next year, but I'm not sure if I'll be ready for it. It's a pretty hefty cost for the course which is a year long. I've been working in customs brokerage for nine years, and I'm still afraid to take the course again. lol... I failed it twice early on in my career, so I know how hard it is. Now that I am on days and learning much, much more I am sure I will successfully pass the course the next time I try.



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