December 30, 2014

The Not-So-Virtuous Impatience of Manifesting a New Life...

I really, really, really want to get on with it. I am the type of person who, once she's made up her mind, she can't wait to make it happen! Half the battle is making up my mind though. lol... Perhaps, it's because I am a Gemini astrologically. Or, maybe because I am the younger child. For whatever reason, I struggle to make decisions. I see too many sides of any ordeal. Hesitation could be my middle name...

Funny thing, after weeks of sifting through the classifieds and driving around in circles I've finally come to realize I would be happiest in a high rise apartment building with a balcony and two bedrooms. The reason it's funny is because my sister has been suggesting since day one that I consider a few buildings. I was being stubborn and snobby thinking I could find something better for less. Well, I think I've grown out of the person I used to be. Because at this point in my life a secure building with a clean atmosphere, balcony, storage, on-site laundry and parking is really looking good about now. :)

I emailed a few building managers. Then I sat through an eight hour shift at work analyzing my perspectives. When I got home, I emailed the one apartment again. This time suggesting I would move sooner than I'd said in the first email. If I can view the apartment and give a deposit by January first, then I can give my landlord only one month notice. I should give him sixty days according to some people, but I honestly want to get out of here so badly. After eight years I think I deserve better than his neglect. He keeps a disgusting home and that's all the reason I need for not wanting to stay a full sixty days more.

So, I may not be sleeping much this week. I'll probably have to wake up early to view apartments. And, I have to stay up all night tonight, so I can go to the pharmacy in the morning and get my refills I been waiting on for two weeks. The person I spoke with said she would leave a note to call me when it was ready. I guess she forgot, cause when I called today, the woman who answered said it had been ready for seventeen days! lol... I also haven't had my muscle relaxants (of which I take only a small dose), and my bedtime anti-depressant. I've seriously gone more than three weeks without my other meds? (I had run out before I made the call to the pharmacist). No wonder I'm so stressed and incredibly irritated. My stomach is in my throat. EVERYTHING makes me want to cry. It's so not fair that without medication I'm a basket-case... I've been up and down the last month. I am really wondering how I'm ever going to  get off my medications. It's been a rough & emotional few weeks.

I wish I could take all my ailments and check them off my list of things to do. Or, undo rather. One day, it is my belief that my body can heal itself from the inside. Right, Christal Richie!? :) But the proper environment and diet are key elements to a sustainable body, mind and soul. There are so many things I want to do that require more of me than I can give. And only so much I can do to try to fix it. So, I live in a world of limbo... The things I want and need to improve my health require genuine health in order to be successful. It's a catch-twenty-two! Goodness Gracious! Well, I am certain I will get there in my lifetime. I just have to take the right steps. And not give up when the road-bumps trip me. I'm on a big kick lately reminding myself that I am my choices. So why do I hesitate so? Shouldn't I rather know than be stuck in this cycle of maybes? Is this all a part of growing up? Learning to anticipate your faults and finding ways to correct them?

I expect that the new year will bring me lots of joy. Change has happened. Change is happening. I am at one with the evolving universe riding a wave of goodness! And, I've made up my mind! Cheers!


December 23, 2014

It's The Right Time of Year to Make Resolutions!

The holiday season is upon us. It's the day before Christmas eve. And all the commercials are asking. Are you ready for the celebrations and gift giving bonanza?

My niece Xmas a few years ago...

Oh yea she was ready for Christmas!

It's a magical time of year... :)

Well, I am NOT! lol

Truth be told, I'm a big time procrastinator. It's a trait I am not proud of, but it's part of my personality none the less. The demons in my head are lazy. And they want me to be too.

I'm always fighting the urge to relax. Well, I do know how to chill whilst I multi-task because another side of my personality is quite ADHD... There's really nothing wrong with that. I'm a woman. I think it's just naturally ingrained in our DNA. Though I wonder sometimes why I can't just focus on one thing...

I've been telling myself I'm gonna craft homemade gifts. Yes, I've been saying this for a few years, now. But I can't seem to get around to doing it. I am too obsessive at making my recipes/goodies perfect that the holidays sneak up and smack me in the face. And here we are again. The day before Christmas eve. I'm writing about my inability to follow through. Seriously? lol

Someone once told me that procrastination is a sign of perfectionism. I believe I had an "Aha" moment when I heard that. It makes a lot of sense. I fear that I might not get it right. So I give up before I even get started. Yes, this sounds quite familiar... But here's another truth about me. If I really want it. And if something is really important to me. I will make it happen or make myself available to be a part of it. I don't care about that many things in this life. Wait, wait- okay, don't take that literally. I care more than my heart can contain. But I struggle with pain and fatigue, remember? If not, THIS will refresh your memory.

So, as much as I have the greatest intentions for everyone and all creatures, I only have the stamina to give my time to a few. I feel stretched thin just living day to day. And that's also why I don't craft as much as I'd like. I don't always have the energy to try. But, back to my point, I may not care deeply about a lot of things, yet when passion ignites in my belly, there's no stopping me! I may not be ready to craft gifts this year. Though I am hoping to at least make lip balm since I've had a few requests. And don't get me wrong, I've totally got my shopping done. I'm giving everyone gift cards this year. Plus one small gift. And I'm only buying for a handful of family and friends. My work Christmas party was last week and we did the secret santa thing! I gave a gift card to the person I picked and I received a candle and a gift card for Tim Hortons! 

Perhaps, 2015 is the year I break through the barriers that make my transition to a healthier lifestyle difficult. Most days it seems impossible. And then there are moments when the magic of a special time of year reminds me that even though I may not be in the mood, the world is merry anyhow. I may not be feeling the holiday spirit but the "dawning of aquarius" is upon us regardless, and the earth is basking in a peaceful glow. I may not find it easy to change. But the Universe has been evolving for billions of years. We are here and now. Everything takes time.

When life gets me down. When the holidays catch me by surprise. When change seems to drag on and on. I tell myself, "I am here. I am now. I am safe and sound. At this moment I am okay. Everything is going my way." And breathe. I am not one who can absolutely silence my mind at any given time. My body gets overwhelmingly tense, causing me strain when I focus on my breath. Because of this, in my meditations and the times I take a mental break to "come back to neutral" I find a mantra in my memory or make one up on the fly and I repeat it over and over. This repetition helps me to breathe deeply. By focussing on the words individually and as a whole I can recover my sense of security thereby allowing me to regain a calm state. Usually, by that point, I am able to accept that the panic was more stressful than the trigger. And I can then let it go. Again, more repetitions and deep breaths...

It is my goal, this time next year to share a post about the gifts I've made all dressed up in bows. For reals! It's my dream to create a natural brand. I am really trying to create a natural lifestyle. It starts by sharing crafts and knowledge. I have nearly nixed all my skin care products. Excluding shampoo. I can't live without shampoo and I am not comfortable making it yet. I use balms, oils and one-time concoctions for virtually everything else now! I make my own deodorant, facial care, lip balms, body scrubs and even soft soap...  But lotions, cremes and soap-from-scratch take a little more patience. Now that I think about it, I have come a long way in the last three years. I can't pinpoint the day or time. But I know a grand shift happened in my search for happiness when I discovered I CAN DO for myself. Here's to turning a new leaf.

Happy Holidays!


December 17, 2014

High Hopes & Disappointment...

There's always room for change. I suppose that's the way the universe sees it. But for those of us living here on earth, change isn't always easy. When it's part of your own plan and things are going well, change is a blessing. But when change is unwelcome, life feels so overwhelming.

Change is inevitable and I'm not feeling all that happy about it. Why? Because I've avoided this particular change for some time. It's not backing down. So, instead of fighting it, I'm getting on with it and changing my perspective. I don't know why I do this to myself. It takes me so much longer than the average person to admit that I am not happy. I spend my time focussed on what I think I want while mishandling the things in my daily life. Most often, when I take action, there's more resistance than intention. I give up before I get started. I change my mind and swiftly move to a new idea. I end up going no where...

In hind sight, the imperfections have always been obvious. But before the moment passed I was in a state of acceptance and tolerance. Conditionally. I couldn't take my own needs seriously. And now, I embrace the idea. It's time to move. In a few months, I'll be moving on.

If you read my last post then you know I was eager to buy a house last month. But, after a well needed reality check I have thought twice and concluded I am not yet ready. My Mum helped me create a budget and I learned that I need to save a nest egg so I won't have to rely on credit for emergencies. I need more than a small down payment to get me through the first couple of years of home ownership. I am glad I had someone to explain the truth to me.

So, the last few weeks I been kinda bummed. I am angry with myself for having debt rather than a savings. I could have been smarter about this when my younger self was "borrowing" from my current self. That girl thought she knew everything lol... I have to let go of my self loathing and fix it now. My ego is in check and it's time to save for my future!

I'm looking for a new apartment and feeling scared to give my landlord notice. I'm not afraid of him, I just feel bad. I know that he relies on the rent as his main income and I am concerned that he won't find new tenants. But the BIGGEST reason I am moving is because he doesn't take care of the place. So, why do I let that feeling get the best of me? I rent so that I don't have to deal with unforeseen events. Instead, I'm living in a very cozy, homey place that's falling apart. Not my problem anymore. "Home is where the Fur Babies live!!" I can make any place cozy. :)

This house is an eyesore from the curb. I shake my head every day as I walk up the stairs. The porch is constantly cluttered with stuff. I clean it. He puts it back. I organize it. He puts more stuff out there... It's driving me crazy! I can't worry about his welfare anymore. He doesn't seem to care much about it himself. That's his truth. Not mine. I need to live for me. It's my duty to go after what I want and expect what I deserve! Sometimes, in order to find your own happiness and be good to others you need to first be a little selfish. Do what's best for you. And share thy fruitful abundance!

I am my choices. I choose better! I deserve the best!

~ Growing ~