May 31, 2017

When Life Gives You Lemons

This whole positive thinking concept isn't working for me anymore. Or at least, not lately. It's just leading me to a bigger pit of disappointment and self-loathing. I have nothing to live for at this point. I show up where I need to be but I'm not putting any emotion into it. I'm there simply because I have to be. I can't find happiness in anything I do or am involved in anymore. I honestly believe I'm a fraud. I am angry and bitter. And I swear that the world has left me behind...

The other day I made the mistake of checking out one of my "ex-whatevers" on Facebook. He was in the list of people I might know. And instead of ignoring it like usual, I let curiosity happen. But that turned out to be a huge slap in the face. He, along with many others who claimed they did not want kids, has a child. So, officially, every man in my history who told me they didn't want a family, therefore causing me to end that relationship, now has the family I wanted. The truth is, these men didn't not want kids. They just didn't want them with me. And sadly, I understand why. I am a useless example of a woman. I can't commit to anything. I have such slow motivation. I stay up at night playing with my hobbies and ventures, and all I really do is sleep and work. It's interesting that in the end, I likely won't be having children. Now, isn't that ironic?

I feel like I've wasted a lifetime anticipating a future I am not being offered. The universe is laughing at me. I am a silly girl, always getting ahead of herself. It's true. I never finish what I start before moving on to the next thing. I take on new projects or ideas the moment things get difficult. I procrastinate and I change my mind because I'm too afraid to really step up to the plate and take accountability for my actions. So, I don't act. I talk and theorize and I plan and research, but I take forever to start and even longer to finish. I come back to things. And I finish some things. But I tend to change everything before finally making up my mind.

I go through life in phases like the seasons. I push myself up into happiness and get pulled down by depression. I take deep breaths and try to be courageous but anxiety keeps me from exhaling. I constantly try to fill the gap with things and busy hands. But I always slip back into depression and get comfortable there and tell myself the world is better off leaving me in that corner.

I've been struggling with pain and fatigue since I can remember. I've had to push myself a thousand times harder than the average person just to get out of bed. I've been teased for sleeping too much. I've been mocked for being tired and sore all the time. And I know how much it irritates others when I'm late. These are things I cannot change. But now, my body is afflicted by pre-cancerous cells which will ultimately prevent me from having kids. This is something I could have changed.

After fighting with myself every day for thirty eights years, trying to grow up. It's too late. I never grew up and now life's absolutes are in progress. I can't turn back time. So, I wonder. Do I even have a purpose here? Clearly, I'm not meant to raise a family, or even find a compatible partner. Ya see, men start things slow with me, but abandon ship quickly. I am not a keeper. I'm not the woman to make a home with. I have merely been an adventure for the time being when they needed some affection. Often during a rebound. How did I set myself up to be that girl? I sabotaged every chance I had for something special. I was too afraid to ask for what I wanted. I've always doubted my worth.

I'm sick of being asked what's wrong. Nothing's wrong. But what do you think is right here? I'm a thirty eight year old broken woman whose best years are long behind her. And, I've been euchred by every douchebag I've dated. I'm sweet and cute and attractive on the outside. But I'm a disaster on the inside and no one wants to deal with that! No one wants to accept that I am the very best I can be as is. They expect there's more to me that I'm just not harnessing. But, they're wrong. I am exactly what I am. And I give my all. But my all doesn't endure as long as yours does. Deep down I don't expect a man to want a future with me. I wouldn't be surprised if I grow old alone. I should finally accept that, instead of living in my head imagining what could be. I'm giving up trying to find a partner. I'm tapping out of the dating game. I'm not interested in relating anymore.

A year or so is not enough time for me to rightfully choose a partner, fall in love and try to get pregnant. It's just. Not. Enough. Time. I'm still trying to establish my career and get a day job. I'm still preparing to take the customs course, which I failed twice before. There's no way I can make room for a child in that time even if my perfect imaginary man showed up tomorrow. It's just not happening and I'm so over it. But really I'm not... I'm just very angry. Because I know the problem is me. I know the problem is my lifestyle. I know the rest of the world thinks I'm lazy and that I sleep too much. And, I know that they're mostly right.

I say that life gave me lemons. But I know the truth is that I sowed and nurtured those lemon seeds all on my own. And now that nature says it's time to harvest I realize how greatly I've let myself down. I planted the wrong seeds damn it! The girl I used to be didn't have much self worth. She was awkward and nervous and insecure. She talked too much, went too fast and made the easier choice every single time. I don't want to be her anymore. I have to refine this life she created. I have to take ownership for this experience. No one else is going to take responsibility for me...

I don't want to talk just because I'm worried what others are thinking. I don't want to avoid my real feelings just to end up unhappy because I didn't speak for myself in the first place. I don't want to be the girl who lets other's opinions matter so much. I want to distance the girl I have always been from the woman I choose to be. I'm departing on a new life with purpose now. I am leaving behind all the bad seeds in my mind. I'm taking a vow of listening. And, learning to find peace in silence. Great things happen when the mind is quiet.

On a personal note, for those of you who know me. Nothing's wrong. Actually, everything's wrong. But I'm trying to make it right. So please, bare with me.



May 22, 2017

Trying To Keep It Together When Reality Bites...

My life wasn't supposed to unfold like this...

I wasn't supposed to be turning thirty eight -still working nights, single, and having no kids. This was not in the original plan; the deal I made with the universe before coming to this world. I was supposed to grow up, start a writing career, build amazing relationships, meet a charming man, get married and have kids. And then, become a stay-at-home mom! That was the plan! I've always wanted to raise a family of my own. But, that plan is still yet to be seen. And, now the pressure is on!

I got the results from my procedure in February. It turns out, every cell they collected and examined from my cervix shows a high grade risk for becoming cancer. These are not the results I'd hoped for. When the doctor showed his concern about my age, things got really serious. He suggested that if I want kids, I should try to get pregnant in the next year or so. Because these abnormal cells are likely a prelude to cancerous cells. And since my fertility rate drops by half after forty, I should take precautionary measures in order to survive this pending cancer. I will have to consider a hysterectomy in a few years. Suddenly, my life is no longer the same.

I feel shame over this ordeal. Anger, sadness and shame... I feel responsible for convincing myself I could have children late in life. I'm still not ready and the window is starting to close. I'm adrift in shock and denial. There are no words to express how I truly feel. Empty. Lost. Confused... The thing is, what's going on with these cells isn't even actually cancer. Yet. It's still one step away. But to be on the safe side I will have to give up my uterus because cancer is taunting me. That was never in the plan! I was supposed to have a longer timeline. And, because I'm single, I am the sole person responsible for making this decision. Sometimes growing up is really hard to do.

If at least, I had a partner I would have a sounding board to work through this situation with. I'd be considering our future. Not just my survival. I could make an achievable plan if I had a partner. I'd ask, "Are we going to try to conceive? Would we like to adopt? Are we content to just raise a bunch of fur babies instead of kids?"

All these questions. I don't have the answers. I am not a We. I was so caught up in myself and being independent I didn't realize I'd end up here. Now. Nearly thirty eight. Wondering how time got away from me. I can't even bring myself to fathom the options right now. However, I know for certain that I don't want to be a single mom. It is quite frustrating to be advised that it's now or never. That's a concept hard for me to grasp. I don't do well with urgency. I've always known that I had a timeline. That my biological clock would eventually stop ticking. But, I never expected I'd have to fight cancer, or that it would impede my ability to have kids when the time was right for me...

Should I update my dating profile stating that I'm looking for a great guy to have kids with before cancer takes over my reproductive parts? Hah! The wouldn't be awkward...

There are plenty of options out there. So many ways to create a family nowadays. I know this and I have always considered alternative ways to making that perfect family without conceiving. I'd love to open my heart and home to a child in need. So for me personally, adoption is definitely on the table. And I know my family wouldn't see an adopted child any differently than a biological one. We are a very blended family as it is. But for the last ten years I feel myself led by the desire to search out and find a mate to procreate with. It's a natural human condition. To leave behind our legacy of genes and nurturing. Except, that instinct complicates my interactions with men whom I'm just trying to get to know. How do I keep this on the down low in the dating realm when technically I have so little time..?

I literally shake my head when reality sinks back in. I think about how many pap smears and procedures I've been through. How this went from watching a few abnormal cells in my late twenties, to contemplating a hysterectomy eight years later? Why did the doctors tell me to just keep an eye on it? Why did the doctors tell me not to worry? Why didn't the doctors tell me a few years ago to get on the baby making train asap? I should have known better. It doesn't matter how much I try to grow up. Nothing could've prepared me for this. I'm stunned.

The last few years I've been mesmerized by the idea of pregnancy. Especially since I struggle with chronic pain, I've been telling myself I can do that! I have a high pain tolerance and the human body is designed to bare the pain of childbirth. It's something I was looking forward to. A challenge that would prove how strong I really am. It would be something that brought me closer to understanding my own mother. It's a woman's most basic purpose in life. At least for those of us who want it. I had mapped out how it would all go in an idealistic world. But the universe has other plans for me. Something deep down inside of my being has died. This news has drastically changed me in only a few days. My heart aches for guidance while my mind is off in space. Silence becomes me...

On the very much needed bright side, I am extremely grateful and humbled by the fact that this has been a gradual situation in my life. I know a few women who fought cervical cancer that came up out of nowhere. I can't imagine how scary it would be to have it come on that sudden. I've been blessed to have the opportunity to know something wasn't exactly right before it got scary. And although there's not much you can do but keep checking on those cells and hope for the best. I know I should be grateful for the doctors and appointments. Here's a fact. If you have any sort of potential cancer, the health department sends you a letter detailing the risks, and advises you the next steps to take with your doctor. I've been receiving those letters twice a year for the last eight years. Cancer does suck! But cervical cancer has the highest survival rates. That is something I am thankful for.

I am lucky to have known the facts before any of this became life threatening. My parents have eagerly expressed that they don't need any grandchildren from me. What they need is to have ME around for a long time. I have to put myself in their shoes and take their wishes into consideration. After all, I know that I have their support no matter what. I am loved beyond measure. So beating this is of upmost importance regardless of how strong or weak I feel, or what it might take away from me. I have to fight it and make the best decisions for my loved ones. I have to accept that it is what it is for a wonderful reason. I may not have the hand I wanted in life. But I'm doing my best with the hand I've been dealt. And that's the kind of attitude that exudes happiness.

Yours Truly,