This whole positive thinking concept isn't working for me anymore. Or at least, not lately. It's just leading me to a bigger pit of disappointment and self-loathing. I have nothing to live for at this point. I show up where I need to be but I'm not putting any emotion into it. I'm there simply because I have to be. I can't find happiness in anything I do or am involved in anymore. I honestly believe I'm a fraud. I am angry and bitter. And I swear that the world has left me behind...
The other day I made the mistake of checking out one of my "ex-whatevers" on Facebook. He was in the list of people I might know. And instead of ignoring it like usual, I let curiosity happen. But that turned out to be a huge slap in the face. He, along with many others who claimed they did not want kids, has a child. So, officially, every man in my history who told me they didn't want a family, therefore causing me to end that relationship, now has the family I wanted. The truth is, these men didn't not want kids. They just didn't want them with me. And sadly, I understand why. I am a useless example of a woman. I can't commit to anything. I have such slow motivation. I stay up at night playing with my hobbies and ventures, and all I really do is sleep and work. It's interesting that in the end, I likely won't be having children. Now, isn't that ironic?
I feel like I've wasted a lifetime anticipating a future I am not being offered. The universe is laughing at me. I am a silly girl, always getting ahead of herself. It's true. I never finish what I start before moving on to the next thing. I take on new projects or ideas the moment things get difficult. I procrastinate and I change my mind because I'm too afraid to really step up to the plate and take accountability for my actions. So, I don't act. I talk and theorize and I plan and research, but I take forever to start and even longer to finish. I come back to things. And I finish some things. But I tend to change everything before finally making up my mind.
I go through life in phases like the seasons. I push myself up into happiness and get pulled down by depression. I take deep breaths and try to be courageous but anxiety keeps me from exhaling. I constantly try to fill the gap with things and busy hands. But I always slip back into depression and get comfortable there and tell myself the world is better off leaving me in that corner.
I've been struggling with pain and fatigue since I can remember. I've had to push myself a thousand times harder than the average person just to get out of bed. I've been teased for sleeping too much. I've been mocked for being tired and sore all the time. And I know how much it irritates others when I'm late. These are things I cannot change. But now, my body is afflicted by pre-cancerous cells which will ultimately prevent me from having kids. This is something I could have changed.
After fighting with myself every day for thirty eights years, trying to grow up. It's too late. I never grew up and now life's absolutes are in progress. I can't turn back time. So, I wonder. Do I even have a purpose here? Clearly, I'm not meant to raise a family, or even find a compatible partner. Ya see, men start things slow with me, but abandon ship quickly. I am not a keeper. I'm not the woman to make a home with. I have merely been an adventure for the time being when they needed some affection. Often during a rebound. How did I set myself up to be that girl? I sabotaged every chance I had for something special. I was too afraid to ask for what I wanted. I've always doubted my worth.
I'm sick of being asked what's wrong. Nothing's wrong. But what do you think is right here? I'm a thirty eight year old broken woman whose best years are long behind her. And, I've been euchred by every douchebag I've dated. I'm sweet and cute and attractive on the outside. But I'm a disaster on the inside and no one wants to deal with that! No one wants to accept that I am the very best I can be as is. They expect there's more to me that I'm just not harnessing. But, they're wrong. I am exactly what I am. And I give my all. But my all doesn't endure as long as yours does. Deep down I don't expect a man to want a future with me. I wouldn't be surprised if I grow old alone. I should finally accept that, instead of living in my head imagining what could be. I'm giving up trying to find a partner. I'm tapping out of the dating game. I'm not interested in relating anymore.
A year or so is not enough time for me to rightfully choose a partner, fall in love and try to get pregnant. It's just. Not. Enough. Time. I'm still trying to establish my career and get a day job. I'm still preparing to take the customs course, which I failed twice before. There's no way I can make room for a child in that time even if my perfect imaginary man showed up tomorrow. It's just not happening and I'm so over it. But really I'm not... I'm just very angry. Because I know the problem is me. I know the problem is my lifestyle. I know the rest of the world thinks I'm lazy and that I sleep too much. And, I know that they're mostly right.
I say that life gave me lemons. But I know the truth is that I sowed and nurtured those lemon seeds all on my own. And now that nature says it's time to harvest I realize how greatly I've let myself down. I planted the wrong seeds damn it! The girl I used to be didn't have much self worth. She was awkward and nervous and insecure. She talked too much, went too fast and made the easier choice every single time. I don't want to be her anymore. I have to refine this life she created. I have to take ownership for this experience. No one else is going to take responsibility for me...
I don't want to talk just because I'm worried what others are thinking. I don't want to avoid my real feelings just to end up unhappy because I didn't speak for myself in the first place. I don't want to be the girl who lets other's opinions matter so much. I want to distance the girl I have always been from the woman I choose to be. I'm departing on a new life with purpose now. I am leaving behind all the bad seeds in my mind. I'm taking a vow of listening. And, learning to find peace in silence. Great things happen when the mind is quiet.
On a personal note, for those of you who know me. Nothing's wrong. Actually, everything's wrong. But I'm trying to make it right. So please, bare with me.
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