December 17, 2014

High Hopes & Disappointment...

There's always room for change. I suppose that's the way the universe sees it. But for those of us living here on earth, change isn't always easy. When it's part of your own plan and things are going well, change is a blessing. But when change is unwelcome, life feels so overwhelming.

Change is inevitable and I'm not feeling all that happy about it. Why? Because I've avoided this particular change for some time. It's not backing down. So, instead of fighting it, I'm getting on with it and changing my perspective. I don't know why I do this to myself. It takes me so much longer than the average person to admit that I am not happy. I spend my time focussed on what I think I want while mishandling the things in my daily life. Most often, when I take action, there's more resistance than intention. I give up before I get started. I change my mind and swiftly move to a new idea. I end up going no where...

In hind sight, the imperfections have always been obvious. But before the moment passed I was in a state of acceptance and tolerance. Conditionally. I couldn't take my own needs seriously. And now, I embrace the idea. It's time to move. In a few months, I'll be moving on.

If you read my last post then you know I was eager to buy a house last month. But, after a well needed reality check I have thought twice and concluded I am not yet ready. My Mum helped me create a budget and I learned that I need to save a nest egg so I won't have to rely on credit for emergencies. I need more than a small down payment to get me through the first couple of years of home ownership. I am glad I had someone to explain the truth to me.

So, the last few weeks I been kinda bummed. I am angry with myself for having debt rather than a savings. I could have been smarter about this when my younger self was "borrowing" from my current self. That girl thought she knew everything lol... I have to let go of my self loathing and fix it now. My ego is in check and it's time to save for my future!

I'm looking for a new apartment and feeling scared to give my landlord notice. I'm not afraid of him, I just feel bad. I know that he relies on the rent as his main income and I am concerned that he won't find new tenants. But the BIGGEST reason I am moving is because he doesn't take care of the place. So, why do I let that feeling get the best of me? I rent so that I don't have to deal with unforeseen events. Instead, I'm living in a very cozy, homey place that's falling apart. Not my problem anymore. "Home is where the Fur Babies live!!" I can make any place cozy. :)

This house is an eyesore from the curb. I shake my head every day as I walk up the stairs. The porch is constantly cluttered with stuff. I clean it. He puts it back. I organize it. He puts more stuff out there... It's driving me crazy! I can't worry about his welfare anymore. He doesn't seem to care much about it himself. That's his truth. Not mine. I need to live for me. It's my duty to go after what I want and expect what I deserve! Sometimes, in order to find your own happiness and be good to others you need to first be a little selfish. Do what's best for you. And share thy fruitful abundance!

I am my choices. I choose better! I deserve the best!

~ Growing ~


No comments: