The Not-So-Virtuous Impatience of Manifesting a New Life...

I really, really, really want to get on with it. I am the type of person who, once she's made up her mind, she can't wait to make it happen! Half the battle is making up my mind though. lol... Perhaps, it's because I am a Gemini astrologically. Or, maybe because I am the younger child. For whatever reason, I struggle to make decisions. I see too many sides of any ordeal. Hesitation could be my middle name...

Funny thing, after weeks of sifting through the classifieds and driving around in circles I've finally come to realize I would be happiest in a high rise apartment building with a balcony and two bedrooms. The reason it's funny is because my sister has been suggesting since day one that I consider a few buildings. I was being stubborn and snobby thinking I could find something better for less. Well, I think I've grown out of the person I used to be. Because at this point in my life a secure building with a clean atmosphere, balcony, storage, on-site laundry and parking is really looking good about now. :)

I emailed a few building managers. Then I sat through an eight hour shift at work analyzing my perspectives. When I got home, I emailed the one apartment again. This time suggesting I would move sooner than I'd said in the first email. If I can view the apartment and give a deposit by January first, then I can give my landlord only one month notice. I should give him sixty days according to some people, but I honestly want to get out of here so badly. After eight years I think I deserve better than his neglect. He keeps a disgusting home and that's all the reason I need for not wanting to stay a full sixty days more.

So, I may not be sleeping much this week. I'll probably have to wake up early to view apartments. And, I have to stay up all night tonight, so I can go to the pharmacy in the morning and get my refills I been waiting on for two weeks. The person I spoke with said she would leave a note to call me when it was ready. I guess she forgot, cause when I called today, the woman who answered said it had been ready for seventeen days! lol... I also haven't had my muscle relaxants (of which I take only a small dose), and my bedtime anti-depressant. I've seriously gone more than three weeks without my other meds? (I had run out before I made the call to the pharmacist). No wonder I'm so stressed and incredibly irritated. My stomach is in my throat. EVERYTHING makes me want to cry. It's so not fair that without medication I'm a basket-case... I've been up and down the last month. I am really wondering how I'm ever going to  get off my medications. It's been a rough & emotional few weeks.

I wish I could take all my ailments and check them off my list of things to do. Or, undo rather. One day, it is my belief that my body can heal itself from the inside. Right, Christal Richie!? :) But the proper environment and diet are key elements to a sustainable body, mind and soul. There are so many things I want to do that require more of me than I can give. And only so much I can do to try to fix it. So, I live in a world of limbo... The things I want and need to improve my health require genuine health in order to be successful. It's a catch-twenty-two! Goodness Gracious! Well, I am certain I will get there in my lifetime. I just have to take the right steps. And not give up when the road-bumps trip me. I'm on a big kick lately reminding myself that I am my choices. So why do I hesitate so? Shouldn't I rather know than be stuck in this cycle of maybes? Is this all a part of growing up? Learning to anticipate your faults and finding ways to correct them?

I expect that the new year will bring me lots of joy. Change has happened. Change is happening. I am at one with the evolving universe riding a wave of goodness! And, I've made up my mind! Cheers!

OXO

Angélique

It's The Right Time of Year to Make Resolutions!

The holiday season is upon us. It's the day before Christmas eve. And all the commercials are asking. Are you ready for the celebrations and gift giving bonanza?

My niece Xmas a few years ago...

Oh yea she was ready for Christmas!

It's a magical time of year... :)

Well, I am NOT! lol

Truth be told, I'm a big time procrastinator. It's a trait I am not proud of, but it's part of my personality none the less. The demons in my head are lazy. And they want me to be too.

I'm always fighting the urge to relax. Well, I do know how to chill whilst I multi-task because another side of my personality is quite ADHD... There's really nothing wrong with that. I'm a woman. I think it's just naturally ingrained in our DNA. Though I wonder sometimes why I can't just focus on one thing...

I've been telling myself I'm gonna craft homemade gifts. Yes, I've been saying this for a few years, now. But I can't seem to get around to doing it. I am too obsessive at making my recipes/goodies perfect that the holidays sneak up and smack me in the face. And here we are again. The day before Christmas eve. I'm writing about my inability to follow through. Seriously? lol

Someone once told me that procrastination is a sign of perfectionism. I believe I had an "Aha" moment when I heard that. It makes a lot of sense. I fear that I might not get it right. So I give up before I even get started. Yes, this sounds quite familiar... But here's another truth about me. If I really want it. And if something is really important to me. I will make it happen or make myself available to be a part of it. I don't care about that many things in this life. Wait, wait- okay, don't take that literally. I care more than my heart can contain. But I struggle with pain and fatigue, remember? If not, THIS will refresh your memory.

So, as much as I have the greatest intentions for everyone and all creatures, I only have the stamina to give my time to a few. I feel stretched thin just living day to day. And that's also why I don't craft as much as I'd like. I don't always have the energy to try. But, back to my point, I may not care deeply about a lot of things, yet when passion ignites in my belly, there's no stopping me! I may not be ready to craft gifts this year. Though I am hoping to at least make lip balm since I've had a few requests. And don't get me wrong, I've totally got my shopping done. I'm giving everyone gift cards this year. Plus one small gift. And I'm only buying for a handful of family and friends. My work Christmas party was last week and we did the secret santa thing! I gave a gift card to the person I picked and I received a candle and a gift card for Tim Hortons! 

Perhaps, 2015 is the year I break through the barriers that make my transition to a healthier lifestyle difficult. Most days it seems impossible. And then there are moments when the magic of a special time of year reminds me that even though I may not be in the mood, the world is merry anyhow. I may not be feeling the holiday spirit but the "dawning of aquarius" is upon us regardless, and the earth is basking in a peaceful glow. I may not find it easy to change. But the Universe has been evolving for billions of years. We are here and now. Everything takes time.

When life gets me down. When the holidays catch me by surprise. When change seems to drag on and on. I tell myself, "I am here. I am now. I am safe and sound. At this moment I am okay. Everything is going my way." And breathe. I am not one who can absolutely silence my mind at any given time. My body gets overwhelmingly tense, causing me strain when I focus on my breath. Because of this, in my meditations and the times I take a mental break to "come back to neutral" I find a mantra in my memory or make one up on the fly and I repeat it over and over. This repetition helps me to breathe deeply. By focussing on the words individually and as a whole I can recover my sense of security thereby allowing me to regain a calm state. Usually, by that point, I am able to accept that the panic was more stressful than the trigger. And I can then let it go. Again, more repetitions and deep breaths...

It is my goal, this time next year to share a post about the gifts I've made all dressed up in bows. For reals! It's my dream to create a natural brand. I am really trying to create a natural lifestyle. It starts by sharing crafts and knowledge. I have nearly nixed all my skin care products. Excluding shampoo. I can't live without shampoo and I am not comfortable making it yet. I use balms, oils and one-time concoctions for virtually everything else now! I make my own deodorant, facial care, lip balms, body scrubs and even soft soap...  But lotions, cremes and soap-from-scratch take a little more patience. Now that I think about it, I have come a long way in the last three years. I can't pinpoint the day or time. But I know a grand shift happened in my search for happiness when I discovered I CAN DO for myself. Here's to turning a new leaf.

Happy Holidays!

OXO

Angelique

High Hopes & Disappointment...

There's always room for change. I suppose that's the way the universe sees it. But for those of us living here on earth, change isn't always easy. When it's part of your own plan and things are going well, change is a blessing. But when change is unwelcome, life feels so overwhelming.

Change is inevitable and I'm not feeling all that happy about it. Why? Because I've avoided this particular change for some time. It's not backing down. So, instead of fighting it, I'm getting on with it and changing my perspective. I don't know why I do this to myself. It takes me so much longer than the average person to admit that I am not happy. I spend my time focussed on what I think I want while mishandling the things in my daily life. Most often, when I take action, there's more resistance than intention. I give up before I get started. I change my mind and swiftly move to a new idea. I end up going no where...

In hind sight, the imperfections have always been obvious. But before the moment passed I was in a state of acceptance and tolerance. Conditionally. I couldn't take my own needs seriously. And now, I embrace the idea. It's time to move. In a few months, I'll be moving on.

If you read my last post then you know I was eager to buy a house last month. But, after a well needed reality check I have thought twice and concluded I am not yet ready. My Mum helped me create a budget and I learned that I need to save a nest egg so I won't have to rely on credit for emergencies. I need more than a small down payment to get me through the first couple of years of home ownership. I am glad I had someone to explain the truth to me.

So, the last few weeks I been kinda bummed. I am angry with myself for having debt rather than a savings. I could have been smarter about this when my younger self was "borrowing" from my current self. That girl thought she knew everything lol... I have to let go of my self loathing and fix it now. My ego is in check and it's time to save for my future!

I'm looking for a new apartment and feeling scared to give my landlord notice. I'm not afraid of him, I just feel bad. I know that he relies on the rent as his main income and I am concerned that he won't find new tenants. But the BIGGEST reason I am moving is because he doesn't take care of the place. So, why do I let that feeling get the best of me? I rent so that I don't have to deal with unforeseen events. Instead, I'm living in a very cozy, homey place that's falling apart. Not my problem anymore. "Home is where the Fur Babies live!!" I can make any place cozy. :)

This house is an eyesore from the curb. I shake my head every day as I walk up the stairs. The porch is constantly cluttered with stuff. I clean it. He puts it back. I organize it. He puts more stuff out there... It's driving me crazy! I can't worry about his welfare anymore. He doesn't seem to care much about it himself. That's his truth. Not mine. I need to live for me. It's my duty to go after what I want and expect what I deserve! Sometimes, in order to find your own happiness and be good to others you need to first be a little selfish. Do what's best for you. And share thy fruitful abundance!

I am my choices. I choose better! I deserve the best!

~ Growing ~

Angélique

Letting Go, Looking Forward & Moving On...

Eight years ago I moved into my current address. A small, cozy two bedroom apartment where I found much peace and quiet. In fact, I sleep during the day because of my work schedule. I used to work late nights at bars/restaurants mostly, so it's a habit I've acquired over the last fifteen years. But, I also never liked mornings, lol... These days, I work steady afternoons. However, after midnight is when inspiration hits me! I've always been a nighthawk. The best thing about this place is the fact that my neighbourhood is quiet.

There's a park across the way where I like to watch the squirrels keeping busy in the grass and trees. They also scurry about on my balcony. It drives the cats crazy. Sometimes, I feel like I live in an attic hidden away from the rest of the world.

My door to the outside...

My landlord lives downstairs. He is an older gentleman who has been like an uncle to me. I've grown to care about him. But, as a tenant I am becoming frustrated with him forgetting to pay bills. And I have to ask five times to remind him to fix or do things. Lately, he's been neglecting to take care of the front property, too. The lady next door has complained to me about it, asking how I can stand to live here. I guess patience is a deep seeded virtue of mine. The first five years here were great! But then the landlord's wife got sick and passed away. Since she passed on, he has hoarded and accumulated more than the house can hold. It's busting at the seams. There's a distinct odour coming from his house and I realize that no matter how many times people (myself included) honestly advise him to change, he never will.

Last spring, I tried to help him clean up the backyard. In fact, I recruited my dad and a terrific girlfriend. We spent a whole afternoon sifting through the landfill back there. My dad trimmed up all the overgrown greenery and cleaned all the weeds from the garden bed. I was hoping to plant a garden this spring. But, for many reasons, particularly the fact that the backyard is run down and overfilled again, I have not planted a garden. I am using my spare room as a greenhouse instead.

An attempt to grow from seed...

Ultimately, I have lost the joy of living here. It's time to move on. And I'd rather not deal with a landlord anymore. I really don't want to have to move again after this (except to a bigger country home). After talking to my parents, siblings and friends, I've concluded what I want most in life at this time is my OWN place.

So... I've decided to buy a house! Just a small bungalow with lots of windows, storage and a generous backyard! I can start my homestead and really learn to take care of myself in a sustainable fashion. I will plant outdoor gardens for the mild months, and continue to grow a few edibles under my grow lights in a back room, or designated area during the winter months.

My Aloe Plant 7 or 8 years ago...

I'll need a protector for my new home. I'll still be limited to domestic animals, which means, no chickens or goats just yet (haha). I am super stoked to get a dog! And ready. I want a chocolate lab from a specific breeder. (Sidebar: I absolutely support adoption. However, after extensive research I've opted to purchase my first dog from a breeder. For a long healthy life. So I can know her background & pedigree. And, because I want a certain temperament to easily socialize with humans and other pets. In the long run, what I want most from a dog is a companion who will guide me through my physical stress, pain and fatigue. I believe a stellar labrador retriever is my best interest).

I will adopt dogs too one day. My future plans are to foster cats and dogs on behalf of the Humane Society. I want to help rehabilitate animals to prepare them for their furever homes. I've wanted a dog for years but didn't get one because I live in an apartment and I don't believe it's fair to keep a dog in an apartment. Dogs need to be outside as often as possible.

It feels like I'm taking a step in the right direction. My spirits have lifted. I'm a little nervous, but I know I will do great things with my own property. I have also gotten better with my spending habits and am learning to be frugal. I know how to keep it simple and reap the benefits of what nature has to offer. I am so excited to get to live the way I choose without needing approval from the landlord or waiting on a partner to make it happen... I've got people. Lots and lots of people who love and support me. I don't need to wait on anything or anyone. My future is now! Change is in the air. I am looking forward to what the future holds. Plenty.

~ Exhale ~

OXO

Angélique

Lindsay's Slipper Basket & The End of October...

I have a good friend named Lindsay who is a travel agent! I've known her for a while now but we don't get the chance to see each other often because our work schedules are opposite. We do, however, get together for a visit occasionally. :)

Since the weather is nice and cozy these days, I thought I'd highlight the comforts of Lindsay's home. In the entrance hallway, she has a basket of slippers and thick socks for guests. I picked out this grey knitted pair of socks because they matched my pants! It's a great idea to have a basket of tootsie warmers for your friends. It makes for an extra happy visit.

Do your friends have any warm ideas for the cooling weather? 

I recently bought these new books at amazon.ca. In case you didn't know, I'm a bit obsessed with shopping on line. But I work nights and sleep during the day so I can't always get to the store when it's open. Besides, receiving packages is like Christmas at random times of the year!

I skimmed over each of these books briefly, and I am not sure that they will give me the answers to the questions I have. But I do believe each of them will teach me something I don't already know. I will let you know how it all works out.

What books are you reading these days?

I haven't given up on my veggie garden either. It's now becoming a fall garden... lol... I started a handful of seeds in a mini greenhouse/atop a heating mat, and some lettuce & dill sown directly in the pot. Once day my indoor veggie garden will FEED me!

Once everything is set up and growing under the lights, I'll share a full post about the greenroom. For now it's all just baby sprouts. It's so magical to watch life take root and flourish. Unfortunately, my tomato plant died when I moved her to a bigger pot. I broke her by accident. :( But, I've started new seeds. And my fingers are crossed that they take too!

Are you growing anything this fall/winter?

OXXO

Angélique