May 22, 2017

Trying To Keep It Together When Reality Bites...

My life wasn't supposed to unfold like this...

I wasn't supposed to be turning thirty eight -still working nights, single, and having no kids. This was not in the original plan; the deal I made with the universe before coming to this world. I was supposed to grow up, start a writing career, build amazing relationships, meet a charming man, get married and have kids. And then, become a stay-at-home mom! That was the plan! I've always wanted to raise a family of my own. But, that plan is still yet to be seen. And, now the pressure is on!

I got the results from my procedure in February. It turns out, every cell they collected and examined from my cervix shows a high grade risk for becoming cancer. These are not the results I'd hoped for. When the doctor showed his concern about my age, things got really serious. He suggested that if I want kids, I should try to get pregnant in the next year or so. Because these abnormal cells are likely a prelude to cancerous cells. And since my fertility rate drops by half after forty, I should take precautionary measures in order to survive this pending cancer. I will have to consider a hysterectomy in a few years. Suddenly, my life is no longer the same.

I feel shame over this ordeal. Anger, sadness and shame... I feel responsible for convincing myself I could have children late in life. I'm still not ready and the window is starting to close. I'm adrift in shock and denial. There are no words to express how I truly feel. Empty. Lost. Confused... The thing is, what's going on with these cells isn't even actually cancer. Yet. It's still one step away. But to be on the safe side I will have to give up my uterus because cancer is taunting me. That was never in the plan! I was supposed to have a longer timeline. And, because I'm single, I am the sole person responsible for making this decision. Sometimes growing up is really hard to do.

If at least, I had a partner I would have a sounding board to work through this situation with. I'd be considering our future. Not just my survival. I could make an achievable plan if I had a partner. I'd ask, "Are we going to try to conceive? Would we like to adopt? Are we content to just raise a bunch of fur babies instead of kids?"

All these questions. I don't have the answers. I am not a We. I was so caught up in myself and being independent I didn't realize I'd end up here. Now. Nearly thirty eight. Wondering how time got away from me. I can't even bring myself to fathom the options right now. However, I know for certain that I don't want to be a single mom. It is quite frustrating to be advised that it's now or never. That's a concept hard for me to grasp. I don't do well with urgency. I've always known that I had a timeline. That my biological clock would eventually stop ticking. But, I never expected I'd have to fight cancer, or that it would impede my ability to have kids when the time was right for me...

Should I update my dating profile stating that I'm looking for a great guy to have kids with before cancer takes over my reproductive parts? Hah! The wouldn't be awkward...

There are plenty of options out there. So many ways to create a family nowadays. I know this and I have always considered alternative ways to making that perfect family without conceiving. I'd love to open my heart and home to a child in need. So for me personally, adoption is definitely on the table. And I know my family wouldn't see an adopted child any differently than a biological one. We are a very blended family as it is. But for the last ten years I feel myself led by the desire to search out and find a mate to procreate with. It's a natural human condition. To leave behind our legacy of genes and nurturing. Except, that instinct complicates my interactions with men whom I'm just trying to get to know. How do I keep this on the down low in the dating realm when technically I have so little time..?

I literally shake my head when reality sinks back in. I think about how many pap smears and procedures I've been through. How this went from watching a few abnormal cells in my late twenties, to contemplating a hysterectomy eight years later? Why did the doctors tell me to just keep an eye on it? Why did the doctors tell me not to worry? Why didn't the doctors tell me a few years ago to get on the baby making train asap? I should have known better. It doesn't matter how much I try to grow up. Nothing could've prepared me for this. I'm stunned.

The last few years I've been mesmerized by the idea of pregnancy. Especially since I struggle with chronic pain, I've been telling myself I can do that! I have a high pain tolerance and the human body is designed to bare the pain of childbirth. It's something I was looking forward to. A challenge that would prove how strong I really am. It would be something that brought me closer to understanding my own mother. It's a woman's most basic purpose in life. At least for those of us who want it. I had mapped out how it would all go in an idealistic world. But the universe has other plans for me. Something deep down inside of my being has died. This news has drastically changed me in only a few days. My heart aches for guidance while my mind is off in space. Silence becomes me...

On the very much needed bright side, I am extremely grateful and humbled by the fact that this has been a gradual situation in my life. I know a few women who fought cervical cancer that came up out of nowhere. I can't imagine how scary it would be to have it come on that sudden. I've been blessed to have the opportunity to know something wasn't exactly right before it got scary. And although there's not much you can do but keep checking on those cells and hope for the best. I know I should be grateful for the doctors and appointments. Here's a fact. If you have any sort of potential cancer, the health department sends you a letter detailing the risks, and advises you the next steps to take with your doctor. I've been receiving those letters twice a year for the last eight years. Cancer does suck! But cervical cancer has the highest survival rates. That is something I am thankful for.

I am lucky to have known the facts before any of this became life threatening. My parents have eagerly expressed that they don't need any grandchildren from me. What they need is to have ME around for a long time. I have to put myself in their shoes and take their wishes into consideration. After all, I know that I have their support no matter what. I am loved beyond measure. So beating this is of upmost importance regardless of how strong or weak I feel, or what it might take away from me. I have to fight it and make the best decisions for my loved ones. I have to accept that it is what it is for a wonderful reason. I may not have the hand I wanted in life. But I'm doing my best with the hand I've been dealt. And that's the kind of attitude that exudes happiness.

Yours Truly,



Col said...

yes its me again.i m slowly reading your older posts. The honesty in your words is evident. can anyone fake anything from the very celluliar level where you have taken me through this post.
but in all humility, i would like to bring to your atention that your are more than a machine. Everything happening in your body is the expression of what is/and has been going on inside you at the core level, which included unresolved conflicts , unrepaired emotions etc etc By saying ' Cancer' .... a name given to that which we are in ' conflict ' with.( conflicts that keep gnawing us even in our sleep )in the same way as 'headache' might be something that is restlessly struggling noisily inside your head. in other words diseases or illness is the language of our body telling us something about us at a bodily level, emotional level , spiritual level etc.
i dont want you to misunderstand me and i m in no way placing my ideas above 'doctors and medical systems ' as we know it .
After all,what is it that we mean by 'healthy ' ....Wellness or well being is a state of daily harmonisation of who you are what you are, working together to become who you want to.
Doctors are definitely authorities in the subjects they deal with. And definitely guide us technically about our health and preventions.
Pharmacy provides with the chemical ajustments to bring a certain
number of molecular reparing,
but dont you think life is so immensely mysterious.
And most of our traps are set by the ideas and ideals we receive
about how we should live , behave , etc....(ofcourse, i m starting a subject that we could talk and talk for hours and hours.)
Do we not quite often forget those tiny ingredients that keeps us happy. We are often sigmatised by our' failures '
'Failures' in the way the whole society has been telling us what it is/ and what it isnt,
giving recipes and ingredients to success.
All this is supposed to be a part of what we call integration , uniformisation, model , channelised perspectives, etc. Which ofcourse draws mutual benefits in a society, country etc.
We all have a body,
we undergo changes,
we could consider it as growing up.
sometimes we 'grow into ' and sometimes we ' grow out '.
Yet, behind all this we have this magical river that flows within us that we call Life... and we never look at it intensely enough to explore its rollings tricklings rustlings.
what i found out is that
this river that flowed within me is connected with everything in this world , in this universe.
from the tiny starlight to a blooming of a flower
which deeply affects our life.
And when we breathe, when we look , when we listen , touch smell , taste...we do it in taken for granted way.
How many of us are willing to acknowledge that....Acknowledging not just verbally or intellectual....but truely embracing the values of these tiny things into our consciousness. these tiny things are wipe away when we sit and watch the sunshine in our televisions, we dont go out to get it, we walk besides it even when so much is pouring from the sky both in terms of light, visions, illuminations , words, poems , beauty .
we are offered what ever is in fashion to bring the 'in thing' . just as i could decide to yoga because everone is talking about it when they speak of stress etc...Now, i can sit a do a few postures of Yoga which certainly will have some major and minor benefit , or meditation,or whatever ,
however , we can let these things optimise our well being and widen our consciousness . In this expansion , we open our shut down channels to life in its greater form.
from just being cells, muscles , bones and a conditioned brain we become powerfully connected to the very things that moves this universe.

Col said...

in short , what i mean is that we are much more whole ....and health finds its balance when we drop one by one the following.... drop one worry each day . Drop one botheration that is robbing you from seeing what is beautiful just besides you.
Drop your idea of who and what is love is.
Become conscious how the wind plays in your hair , on your skin, how life embraces you at each moment.

be kind with your body. treat it respectfully.

detox the toxins andd toxic ideas that has been poisoning your mind and find their way to destroy your body.
life never belittles us, we belittle ourselves by years of moving away from our real feelings and hugging our longtime fears.
Quite often are'nt we occupied by the ideas of happiness rather than hapiness itself.
Happiness dependent on something is'nt happiness.
happiness never comes from outside,
things do contribute.
Happiness is an inborn thing, our very nature is to be happy.
Well, once again my dear Dawn Angelique , this i m only sharing without any pretentions,
consider this lengthy comment as a reaction to something that profoundly moved me as i read your words in this posting.
i hope to read the older ones slowly , many one a day. thus share more with you and learn from your experiences.
when you re sad,that very moment the whole body saddens, when you joyful the very joy makes you light....thats why you should remember why you are 'Angelique'
Thankyou for this post. it taught me so many things.....especially the significations of 'healing'.

Col said...

ps : do excuse me for my lengthy comment in 2 parts, you make me feel so familiar as if you were my friend i ve always known.