July 27, 2021

Life Lately ~ Feeling A Little Melancholy These Days

My heart is protected in a bubble. My soul escapes to dreams entertaining my mind with vast journeys. And, most days, my heart is locked in a glass house, living on the reflective side of a two-way mirror.

I don't really know how to be socially confident. I used to fake it well enough to convince myself that maintaining a jubilant demeanour was a wise defence to mask my insecurities. But, I often come across as over talkative -because subconsciously I am desperate to avoid sharing my true self.

I have grown and I do my best to listen more attentively, now. Actively suppressing my desire to respond. Silence used to make me feel so uneasy. I couldn't stop myself from filling that space -anticipating what others might be thinking. I've learned that I don't always have to speak. Finally! I still feel restless during quiet moments amongst others. But I remind myself to breathe. I listen to what the silence is telling me. I listen while others put their thoughts in order. I am learning to accept the calm and let things be what they will. Within and around me.

I constantly judge myself on behalf of others. I've probably been doing this my entire life, but I only recently came to understand it. I presume from their perspective, that they're criticizing all my flaws and failures. I worry that people might see I am anxious beyond consolation. I worry that people worry too much about me. I hate the excuse that I'm anxious. I hate the feeling when my stomach is in my throat and my heart jumps out of my chest. I hate when I am at the mercy of panic disorder. As a grown woman, I choose to push myself past the barriers of social anxiety. But, it's not easy to let go of old behaviour and bad habits.

I fear that I've lost my voice. I feel like no one really hears me. I am not strong enough to bare myself to others anymore. I am not strong enough to defend myself against myself; for days, after social interactions. I project the disappointment I feel regarding my own limits, unto the people around me, sabotaging my own psyche with negative talk. I can't appreciate the success and happiness that others deserve because I am not truly happy with myself.

Why am I so emotionally stunted? Why is it so difficult for me to even want to be a part of social gatherings? It's all in my head but it's not something I can control. I aim to get out of my comfort zone. But it's the only place I truly feel safe and accepted. Okay with not being okay. Not worried about making others feel okay that I'm not okay. I slip into a state of urgent duress when I'm around others because the I'm forced to deal with how much life I seem to miss out on. I don't want them to feel sorry for me. And, I don't want to listen to people who think they know better and tell me how lame they think my lifestyle seems. It is what it is. And, the best I can make it.

I tend to struggle with self control and time management. I want to be in charge of me! I want to wake up feeling grateful for being alive to even have the chance to wake up! Instead I feel disoriented and insignificant. My consciousness fleeting. I want to feel well enough to get ready before I'm late. I don't want excuses and I am tired of that explanatory monologue in my head. But mornings are the antagonist to my journey of self-actualization. It's in the morning that I feel most anxious and sore. Waking up to a broken body that was never whole... It's in the morning that I really, really need someone else to lean on.

It takes much time to become what we're meant to be. It's always changing. Ever evolving. We say one thing today. Tomorrow, the idea means nothing to us. I keep wishing for one more day, a new year or even another lifetime to get the best out of this sentient experience, because I don't have a lot of time in this body. But, because time and space are irrelevant, it's possible I already had my best lifetime so my current woes are neither here nor there. :)

I guess I feel that I'm missing my purpose this time around and that's a hard pill to swallow. Because I'm just biding time. Waiting my turn to go home and start over. Growing with and in spite of my environment and those I share it with. I have learned to simply love myself and forgive others. Now, I have to learn to simply love others and forgive myself.



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